THE PU GOES GLOBAL

We were supposed to have a wedding website. But we had one problem: we were bound and handcuffed, being held hostage by the dastardly Mr. Puddy and his imaginary evil henchmen. We certainly couldn’t compose anything for publication in those conditions. Mr. Puddy smirked and logged on. I was surprised by the technical aptitude displayed by our cat. He seemed so knowledgeable in the ways of the information superhighway. I asked him how he knew so much.

He gave me the squint eye, which implied: “How do you think I got the handcuffs? It’s not like you let me outside on my own, where I could possibly make a trip to the hardware store and get my supplies.”

“Why didn’t you tell us about your feelings before you took us hostage? We could have explained the whole thing,” I said.

He paw-slapped me across the face to silence me, glaring to emphasize his unspoken mission: “The world has always been misinformed about our movement to free ourselves from this hypocrisy of illegitimate parenthood. Now they shall hear my side of the story.”

It was amazing to witness him go to work. But since we were bound and gagged by him, maybe it wasn’t as unbelievable. Mr. Puddy typed like the Swedish Chef prepared food, with flair, song, and puffs of smoke.

He was surprisingly practical in his website design. He had sections titled: Welcome, About Me (Mr. Puddy), Wedding Party, Wedding Events, Accommodations, Area Maps, and Gift Registry. He incorporated the wedding color scheme into the site and was very impressive in his mastery of the written word. Most curious was his introduction of the wedding party (actually, their feline companions):

Parents of the Bride – Marvin and Betty Norris

Owners of two cats: one old, one overweight. I could take them both.

Parents of the Groom – Bill and Pat Lloyd

Owners of one cat: a Russian. Cannot be trusted, but could be useful.

Maid of Honor – Angie Norris

Owner of one cat: prissy, fuzzy thing. Don’t cry for me Argentina. (This is a Madonna reference. He’s a cat. I can’t explain it.)

Best Man – Matt Lloyd

Co-owner of one cat: wears a cone, perhaps a communications specialist.

Bridesmaid – Mandi Morris

Has no cat. Has child who hisses at me. Must keep an eye on that human.

Bridesmaid – Danza Harrison

Co-owner of cone-head cat: wonder if he receives Animal Planet on that thing?

Groomsman – Andy Matthews

Has no cat. Good for him and good for cat.

Groomsman – Mark Buehler

Owner of two cats: blood relations. Apple does not fall far from tree.

Flower Girl – Daphane Norris

Owner of one cat: do not trust the runny nose. Would snivel to the Feds.

Ring Bear – Parker Norris

Owner of one cat: The Sniveler. One can’t be too careful.

To my surprise Mr. Puddy sought Christa’s approval before publishing his creation to the world. He is such a momma’s boy and a little kiss ass.

She looked at me and shook her head, as if to say, “You’re just not right.”

“Me? What did I have to do with this?”
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival