Fashion Run Away Show

The advertised highlight of every bridal show is the fashion show, where numerous local merchants provide the latest in bridal fashions for a “runway show of your dreams” (husky, lispy whisper works best here). Depending on the size of the bridal show, there may be a stage, or there may be some masking tape on the floor outlining where a stage would be. The fanciful shows have live musical accompaniment, usually provided by someone trying to sell their organist abilities for your wedding. There will be a program outlining what the fashions are and who provided them and, perhaps, an announcer for wedding parties who can’t read or can’t peel their eyes from the stage.

At the bridal fashion show, you are getting the preregistration dismissals from America’s Next Top Model. It may be the daughter of one of the florists, who was second runner-up at the Ornamental Squash Festival last year—or simply someone’s cousin who was owed a favor and thinks his daughter is destined to be a model. This destiny may not be due to an exquisite body or proportion. It may, instead, result from a lack of any other discernable skills.

The second thing you need to know is that, wherever the models came from, the entire rest of the family came with them. And they will be occupying the good seats, beginning about an hour before the show starts, with video cameras to record the beginning of their baby’s fame. If you’ve seen the child-pageant moms’ show, you have some idea of what I’m talking about. The mom had some residual dream or desire for great fame and fortune, but didn’t quite have the goods, so as soon as her daughter was born, that flame was rekindled. My baby girl has my eyes and her father’s second-string high-school- tailback legs. How could she not be a model?

There is a lot of cheering over the course of the show, which you eventually realize is family support and not excitement generated by the fashions themselves. It’s like Vacation, when Uncle Eddy touts his daughter’s French-kissing ability, learned in-house. Courtesy tells you to acknowledge the effort, but the bile that has just come up indicates that, perhaps, orally is not the best way.

So, once you find your bad seats and lower your expectations, it really is entertaining reality TV, with no real bridal benefits. Why not get up and leave? Because we are suckers for a prize giveaway. If you are not already glued to your seat in amazement, the show organizers add even more Elmer’s by giving away prizes to those who can stomach the entire presentation. In this instance, the models themselves tossed balls, with numbers corresponding to prizes, into the remaining audience.

Please remember that, although the models have inherited a tailback’s legs, they did not inherit a quarterback’s arm. Second, realize that their entire families are sitting in front. Not to say that we got hosed, but when a toss is accompanied by a “Here, Mom,” you feel a bit slighted. I imagine some families might have doubled their estates by the time the show’s weekend run was over.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival