No Manhood Necessary

“Hey there, it looks like you need a break,” said the woman in the lab coat.

“Yes, I do.”

I am very certain that the fact you said that means I will not be receiving said break at this moment. But I do trust a lab coat, and your pamphlets are pretty.

“The best advice I can give any bride, or groom for that matter, is to take some time to relax,” the lab coat continued.

“As soon as we get out of here, I imagine relaxation will follow,” I countered.

“That is why we are offering a special six-month membership in the Massage of the Month Club,” she pushed.

“We’re going to be late for the fashion show.” I attempted the courtesy exit.

“There is no obligation to receive your massage once you’ve paid for it.” She was a selling machine.

“I just learned of a death in the family.” I attempted to beg.

“What fiancée wouldn’t cherish the gift of a soothing massage to calm her nerves?” She tried to make me the hero.

“I swallowed the toothpick with my last cake sample and am bleeding internally. I only have seconds to live.” I pleaded for my life.

“We can do a three-month package, if you’re afraid of commitment, and she prefers smaller packages.” She had hit me below the belt.

“Now you’ve insulted me to the point that I’m enamored with you. Does that lab coat ever get hot…doctor?”
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival