PROFILING THE MOTHERS

The mothers are the ones with input to give. Christa was hit with about fifteen to twenty e‑mails a day for the first couple of months. Sometimes, for effect, the same idea was sent repeatedly, just in case the previous message hadn’t been opened yet. It seemed they needed refreshing every ten minutes, like diner coffee. I was saved from most of the influx, but did I hear about it.

The Mother of the Bride: Betty Ann Norris

Code Name: The MOB (M-O-B)

Catch Phrase: I’m the mother of the bride. I can do what I want.

Tactics: Sending multiple excessive single-paragraph e-mails containing the same message written numerous ways, needing immediate decisions on minor details, and writing to see if you read the previous e-mails containing the needed decisions. Here are some of her personal bests:

1. One e-mail, containing one paragraph, 19 sentences, and 8 subjects
2. A single e-mail in which an idea was submitted, then argued against, then reasserted, followed by a phone call three minutes later
3. Three e-mails in five minutes which documented a three-part conversation she had with herself

The Mother of the Groom: Patricia Everett Lloyd

Assigned Code Name: PL

Our Chosen Code Name: The MG (Master Gardener)—or PL, MG (i.e., The Doctor of Flora)

Catch Phrase: I have a suggestion…

Tactics: Offering every possible alternative solution to a given issue, even issues that have been decided, and slipping her Master Gardener designation and knowledge of flora into any discussion. For example:

“Have you decided on invitations yet?” the MG asked.

“No, but we…”

“Well, I was thinking we could grow some switchgrass and weave them. What is interesting about switchgrass is its hardiness and drought resistance. Also its durability when dried. Your guests could actually use your invitations as potholders or coasters. Just an idea!”

“I will make a note of it.”

Even worse were the group tactics, which consisted of e-mailing one another regarding decisions they had made for us as our “key advisors.” Once they were in agreement, they attacked from both flanks, most ardently when we had already selected another option for that particular decision.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival

GETTING THE WORD OUT - THE A LIST

Every couple wants everything to be special and unique, with an added wow factor, where possible. So we decided to show off a little, and not to name-drop, but we invited Brad and Jen. Yes, the Pitts, which doesn’t have quite the ring, having just reread it. Did we know Brad and Jen? We at least knew of them through their various exploits covered by US Weekly and E! and were reasonably certain that they would like us. Although they have now split, they were Hollywood’s hottest couple at the time.

How cool (I believe “dorky” could be used as a synonym here) were we? To the best of my knowledge, they received an invite and Save the Date card through Brad’s agency. At least they weren’t returned to us. Although we didn’t immediately receive an RSVP card, a fashionably late response was not unexpected from our celebrity friends.

There were several upside and downside possibilities to this bold maneuver. Let’s play out some scenarios.

Scenario #1: Pitt’s personal assistant receives invite and responds no.

Downside: We are out a few bucks (stamp and materials).

Upside: We can tell everyone we invited Brad and Jen, but their schedules wouldn’t allow them to come.

Scenario #2: Brad and Jen, themselves, actually receive invite and decline to attend.

Downside: Still out a few bucks.

Upside: Brad and Jen are entertained by the invite and Save the Date card and send us a celebrity-sized present or give us a walk-on role in one of their upcoming movies.

Scenario #3: Brad and Jen receive invite and accept the invitation.

Upside: Awesome celebrities at our wedding and a celebrity-sized present for sure.

Downside: No one will remember who got married the day Brad and Jen came to Bloomington. I haven’t the first clue who else we would seat at the new cool table. Worst, we will be too busy to make a good impression on them and be cast in a walk-on role in one of their upcoming movies.

Scenario #4: We don’t hear anything.

Upside: The previously mentioned feeling of cool upon inviting.

Downside: We pay a few bucks to make ourselves feel cool. But as time continues to march on, that starts to look like more and more of a bargain.

Note: The following passage was added during a post-wedding editing session.

Scenario #5 (The Truth): Argument over whether to attend wedding eventually breaks up Brad and Jen.

Upside: Brad’s post-fight escapades with Angelina quickly relieve us of the reported “cause of breakup” burden and subsequent press hounding.

Downside: We miss out on a chance to meet Jen (who wanted to attend) and be cast in a walk-on role in one of her upcoming movies. (Jen, we would still consider accepting a fashionably late celebrity-sized present.)
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival

What Sad Children?

Starting with the various bridal showers, through a few weeks after the wedding, boxes appeared on the front porch containing unknown gifts of wondrous magic and joy. There was always a bit of excitement, as we wondered what could possibly be in each box, because these brown boxes were somehow different from the ones that sadden children. We would bring them into the living room and have a great opening ceremony. However, if it was something we wanted, we already knew what it was. And if it was a surprise, it could be an unpleasant one, that is, something we didn’t want, as indicated by our registry.

The surprises came from those who believe they have superior taste, and those of superior taste believe only they know where it exists. Therefore they seek it, and purchase it, at places they don’t want you to find. Their competitive advantage, in the taste department, must be protected at all costs. These gifts don’t have gift receipts or distinguishing features, such as bar codes, just the piece itself, which is sold only by select retailers in remote places where tasteful people go on secret taste-enhancing vacations.

So, as we sat on the living room floor, one of the following reactions occurred when each box was opened:

“Hey, I remember registering for that.”

Or “Sweet Lord, where did that come from? Is that a monogrammed hand-glazed potato-peeling bowl?”

My advice is to register only for gift cards and cash. No boxes to deal with, no risk of sad children, no muted reaction to opening the gift you knew you were getting. Instead, you get to dream about everything you could get and not be stuck with last season’s furnishings. You can put your whole wedding’s haul right in your pocket and shop until it hurts. Unfortunately, this may encourage the volunteer taste police to take even greater pity on you, as you are apparently incapable of determining anything desirable on your own.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival

The Season of Change

Keep in mind that the joys of registering, like so many other things, will continue to flare up and jump back onto your to-do list. As you register for things at your preferred retailers, you usually provide your e-mail address to receive updates regarding your registry—and all the other sale and promotion notices they can throw at you. In addition, as time passes these retailers inform you of the depletion of their seasonal merchandise. Our groundwork of registering in March for a September wedding slowly eroded, as numerous items slid down to the “no longer available” online section of the registry.

The stores are thrilled. They send you e-mails stating that only a limited amount of your chosen glassware pattern is available. Written clearly between the lines is the message: “We have even put this item on sale to make sure it is gone by the time anyone you’ve invited gets around to buying it for you.”

Our choices were to begin buying from our own registry or return and scan again. I am certain that bridal magazines are colluding, as they advertise all the fine registry options and tell you to start your registry six to nine months out, just enough time to ensure you experience at least one seasonal rotation of inventory.

Our favorite retailers always reminded us, “Be sure and check back often. We are always getting new inventory.” Your hipness is becoming a pain in my ass, Pottery Barn.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival

Tales of the Gun

Registering has three steps: arrival, instruction, and deployment. First, go to the store. I say this because you could register online, but we know what that leads to: brown boxes and sad children at Christmas. You should refer to the store as the engagement zone because she might find it cute, and you are headed into combat. 

Second, find the ranking officer, who will type in your assumed identity and authorize the release of the Scan-o-matic 5000, along with brief operational instructions to scan the barcode and input the quantity. Bond had his Walter PPK. I had my Scan-o-matic 5000, weapon of the future man and wife. The Scan-o-matic had the heft of a power drill, the interface of a graphing calculator, and the aesthetic styling of a bottle of Liquid Plumr. From the moment the seven-pound plastic and rubber behemoth touched my flesh, I was alive. From the conspiring Polish stemware to the elusive Egyptian bath towels, every store was awash with villainous perpetrators. No agent of overpriced merchandise could escape the horizontal beam of mind-reading mayhem.

The officer will ask you if you are familiar with your surroundings, that is, their store. I would recommend answering with an emphatic yes. The sergeant-major of Macy’s gave us a tour of the nonclothing portion of the store lasting at least twenty minutes, about a minute per hundred square feet. What percentage of people can’t recognize a pot by sight?

At some point, I zoned out and began reconnaissance work on the Chinese deep-fryer who was causing an insurrection in the area between kitchen and electronics. According to our tour guide, “this is where you will find things that are used in the kitchen and are plugged in at the same time.” Roger that, sergeant-major.

Finally, in the deployment stage you are released with your intended into the field. There are three levels of comments that you should be aware of.

1. Do you like these?

This question is asking for an opinion; she is either truly on the fence or doesn’t like them enough to proceed without your approval. Give the honest answer. She does consider your taste, or what your new taste should be.

2. I like these.

This means she has made up her mind but wants a token approval. Say whatever your reactionary affirmative is and fire away. It is safest to scan and move on, trying to over-register (have way more gifts than guests, women probably don’t believe this is possible) and remove the objectionable item on a later revision. If it is truly awful and you’re savvy enough, try and blame the objection on the mood of a room or the clashing color of the duvet.

3. Ooh, I love these!

Reconfirm that excitement and scan away. Don’t ever object to these. You can try and make it seem like you are doing her a favor, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It is safest to see it as reacting to the statement, “Don’t you love my new shoes?” She does. Support the loving to get the loving. You can use this same reaction for something you must have, within reason. Pushing too hard for the kegerator will gradually erode any points you may have acquired earlier.

Eventually, she will want her turn to scan. For all secret agents, getting put on checklist duty is like getting demoted to a desk job. Here is how you get back on the gun. You can wait it out, since seven pounds does get heavy, and she will probably not want to be hindered while moving through the store. Or you can tell her that you scanned the wrong item earlier or that you need to make a change in quantity. In the same fashion that a universal remote can be frustrating to a beginner, the complexities of fixing a previous scan will result in the Scan-o-matic being returned to you. She does not have time for messing with the stupid thing. Yes, Bond is back in the field and ready for a showdown with the Indonesian napkin holders.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival