Here Begins the Rest of My Life

Pre-wedding, Jimmy came over and asked me where I would like the pauses to be in my vows. He said Christa had already chosen hers, and it was up to me where I wanted mine. So I selected my pauses. The problem was that the vows remained the same, but our pauses were slightly different. This caused Christa to at least contemplate: “These are not the pauses I agreed to. Whose vows are these?”

On her turn, she naturally sought to watch Jimmy recite the vows, to get a confirmation that she was hearing what she thought she should be hearing, in the appropriate-sized chunks. This did not register with either of us, as we were being sprinkled with the Lord’s love droppings. But later, she was accused of being a cyborg by one of our guests—or more specifically, one of our guest’s guests. This is why you have a gift registry and table assignments—to redirect and isolate poor taste as much as possible.

Reciting our vows to one another was the most emotional part of the ceremony. It was not the official expiration of my checklist that got me worked up. Nine months of preparation and stress had disappeared with six sentences. I don’t know how to describe it, but I could have saved Christmas for all of Whoville.

We exchanged rings, lit a candle, and waited for the music to end. Prayer said, union confirmed, kiss initiated, kiss completed, announcement made, departures commenced. As I passed my dad in the front row, he gave me a backhand pat on the butt, like I had just come out of a baseball game. “Way to go, Boo,” probably accompanied it but was inaudible to me.

The entire ceremony can be summed up best by the following conversation with my groomsman Andy.

“That went well,” he said.

“Which part?” I inquired.

“The whole thing.”

Was any more explanation needed?

We had a fake limo send-off, drove around the block, and then returned for pictures. We went through every combination of family and bridal party members possible, utilizing the perfect combination of angled shoulders and invasion of personal space to make everyone appear natural and at ease. Our photographer also insisted on a series of highly unnatural-looking handshakes, as if my groomsmen and I had recently ended a prolonged military conflict.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival