Tales of the Gun

Registering has three steps: arrival, instruction, and deployment. First, go to the store. I say this because you could register online, but we know what that leads to: brown boxes and sad children at Christmas. You should refer to the store as the engagement zone because she might find it cute, and you are headed into combat. 

Second, find the ranking officer, who will type in your assumed identity and authorize the release of the Scan-o-matic 5000, along with brief operational instructions to scan the barcode and input the quantity. Bond had his Walter PPK. I had my Scan-o-matic 5000, weapon of the future man and wife. The Scan-o-matic had the heft of a power drill, the interface of a graphing calculator, and the aesthetic styling of a bottle of Liquid Plumr. From the moment the seven-pound plastic and rubber behemoth touched my flesh, I was alive. From the conspiring Polish stemware to the elusive Egyptian bath towels, every store was awash with villainous perpetrators. No agent of overpriced merchandise could escape the horizontal beam of mind-reading mayhem.

The officer will ask you if you are familiar with your surroundings, that is, their store. I would recommend answering with an emphatic yes. The sergeant-major of Macy’s gave us a tour of the nonclothing portion of the store lasting at least twenty minutes, about a minute per hundred square feet. What percentage of people can’t recognize a pot by sight?

At some point, I zoned out and began reconnaissance work on the Chinese deep-fryer who was causing an insurrection in the area between kitchen and electronics. According to our tour guide, “this is where you will find things that are used in the kitchen and are plugged in at the same time.” Roger that, sergeant-major.

Finally, in the deployment stage you are released with your intended into the field. There are three levels of comments that you should be aware of.

1. Do you like these?

This question is asking for an opinion; she is either truly on the fence or doesn’t like them enough to proceed without your approval. Give the honest answer. She does consider your taste, or what your new taste should be.

2. I like these.

This means she has made up her mind but wants a token approval. Say whatever your reactionary affirmative is and fire away. It is safest to scan and move on, trying to over-register (have way more gifts than guests, women probably don’t believe this is possible) and remove the objectionable item on a later revision. If it is truly awful and you’re savvy enough, try and blame the objection on the mood of a room or the clashing color of the duvet.

3. Ooh, I love these!

Reconfirm that excitement and scan away. Don’t ever object to these. You can try and make it seem like you are doing her a favor, but I wouldn’t recommend it. It is safest to see it as reacting to the statement, “Don’t you love my new shoes?” She does. Support the loving to get the loving. You can use this same reaction for something you must have, within reason. Pushing too hard for the kegerator will gradually erode any points you may have acquired earlier.

Eventually, she will want her turn to scan. For all secret agents, getting put on checklist duty is like getting demoted to a desk job. Here is how you get back on the gun. You can wait it out, since seven pounds does get heavy, and she will probably not want to be hindered while moving through the store. Or you can tell her that you scanned the wrong item earlier or that you need to make a change in quantity. In the same fashion that a universal remote can be frustrating to a beginner, the complexities of fixing a previous scan will result in the Scan-o-matic being returned to you. She does not have time for messing with the stupid thing. Yes, Bond is back in the field and ready for a showdown with the Indonesian napkin holders.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival