THE WORLD FOR A HAIRCUT

After a visit to Bloomington, in late August, we stopped by to see how my folks were doing. When we returned home, I was greeted by an e-mail from my dad, with the subject: THE TIME FOR CHANGE IS NOW. All caps, because it was important, like a voice booming from above. Was this a personal revelation, where he was going to make a life-changing commitment to exercising regularly and eating better? Had one of our wedding vendors rubbed him the wrong way, at some time in the past, and was he urgently trying to forewarn us? Could he possibly be wavering in his Republican loyalties and, perhaps, be authorizing a vote against the W? This was the content:

Drew,

Schedule a haircut this week.

Request a haircut that is short, appropriate, and customary for a 30-year-old professional, a professional who wants to successfully present himself as an applicant for an important front-office managerial position with any major corporate organization, especially one that is primarily in the Midwest. 

Call me if you want to talk about this. Or, be sure to call me when this request is accomplished.

Dad

Let me start by stating that, when I returned from California, my hair was long, by any conservative banking standards. I am going to guess around six inches total length, long enough so that it could be tucked behind my ears and stay for a period of time. I wouldn’t call it neat, but it could be controlled. I guess the liberals in California may see this as fine, but here in the Midwest, this type of style wasn’t for business, unless you ran an incense and organic burrito store.

At the time I received this e-mail, I was in the final stage of my three-part wedding-hair-reduction plan. Three scheduled trips to have my lovely, healthy locks reduced gradually, until the week or so before the wedding, when everything would be put in final order. Two haircuts were already on the books, so I wasn’t that shaggy.

I learned through Matt and Danza that the topic of hair has occupied family dinner discussions more than once. I encourage family discussion over dinner. It is a wonderful time to share with one another. I considered keeping my longer hair as a means of fostering a healthier family dynamic, but I had my three-stage plan. Since the first two phases of my plan had gone unnoticed, I didn’t feel an immediate need to share the details of my plan. My hair was keeping the family, if not together, at least in debate and, therefore, on speaking terms. I felt that it was well worth losing out on being a Fortune 500 CEO, at this time in my life, so that my family could share opinions over a warm meal.

At a later date, immediately following the third and final phase of the Hair Reduction Act of 2004, I replied to my father’s e-mail, excited as ever to be, once again, accepted into the family fold as a clean-cut, employable Midwesterner.

Subject: I GOT A HAIRCUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't everyone thrilled??????????????

I had them sweep up the clippings, pasted them on paper in the form of a thumbs-up, 

and mailed it to your office.

Drew

Needless to say, this brought great joy across the land. My brother congratulated me and was keeping an eye 

out for the arrival of a hairy package. My mom told me my dad would be happy, because he thinks people 

don’t hire surfers. This was confirmed by his next e‑mail.

Drew,

YES, EVERYONE IS THRILLED AND IS BEGINNING TO DANCE IN THE STREETS…

GRAN AND GRANDMA IN A MORE CONTROLLED MANNER.

CONGRATULATIONS ON ENTERING YOUR 30's as a Professional in both substantive talent 

and appearance..... We wish you and predict even more certain and greater success.....

A clear and long present "parental frustration" regarding our parenting and leadership skills 

should now be over....I will be pleased to receive your "thumbs up" in the mail....It will signify 

a milestone achievement in all our lives.......

XO Dad

I think the whole story is entertaining. It must have been difficult to have your worth as a parent hinge on your 

thirty-year-old son’s haircut. My parents have helped me to be literate, polite, and fiscally disciplined, but to 

put all that work into an offspring so follicly liberal must have been a bitter pill to swallow. 

- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival