Music to Our Ears

The next-best choice for favors that made everyone else happy was personalized CDs. We were advised against giving long written explanations of why each song was special to us and told to limit self-promotion. All we had to do was agree upon about ten songs that represented our relationship and the eternal memories everyone would have of it. Now that the guests would have something to cherish forever, we had to make a lasting impression instead of the cheap but forgettable thrill of a scratch-off ticket. Needless to say, my CD collection wasn’t even looked at.

The “Drew and Christa Eternal Love Forever” (working title) CD had some given material. It needed to contain “our” song. The rest of the CD would be determined by our reception and the general afterglow we wanted to cast. We were also looking to spice it up with a little comic relief. We wondered initially if our minister would be willing to open with “Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today,” the wonderful opening to The Princess Bride wedding between Buttercup and Prince Humperdinck—said in an Elmer Fudd-like voice. We decided against adding it to the ceremony but figured it could be used to introduce us at the reception. That got us thinking about having a comedic interlude before each couple of the bridal party was introduced. We thought of one from Seinfeld, where Jerry and Elaine discuss the percentage of good-looking, datable people, and Jerry refers to the Motor Vehicle Bureau as a leper colony to support his pessimistic view of 4 to 6 percent of people being good looking. Sometimes it’s a little scary how prominent a role television plays in our relationship.

In our case, Wal-Mart was not so far from the Motor Vehicle Bureau. Praise God, we didn’t meet in the gardening department, else we would have no excuse for avoiding The MG’s favors of the earth.

Another classic sequence was Kramer talking Jerry out of any marriage thoughts he might be having, summarizing marriage and families as man-made prisons, where you talk about your day instead of watching TV and have to ask permission to use the bathroom.

I was fortunate to find someone who also felt that watching TV during dinner shouldn’t be interrupted by talking about our days. It’s a matter of whether she decides to watch Extra or Friends re-runs, during which I have the personal freedom to relieve myself as needed.

There are probably some copyright issues involved here, so for the record, the conversations on our planned CD favor are not from Seinfeld, but from two sock puppets I had on my hands.

We also considered having sound bites from The Muppet Show’s old guys in the balcony. Finding appropriate quotes from the old farts didn’t work out, but we did consider entering the reception to the theme song from The Muppet Show: It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights. You know it. It takes you to a happy place. It felt like a good song to form a train to and orchestrate a synchronized dance among the bridal party. I feel a veto coming…

…and there it is.

My search also took me through numerous movie sound-clip sites. It was hard to find exactly what I needed for eternal memories—until I stumbled upon a site containing clips from Looney Tunes. This was a gold mine. I often imitate Pepe Le Pew, when seeking affection from the cat. Kissing up his front paw, while talking like a French skunk.

“M-wa, m-wa, m-wa, how are you, Darling? I seek your affection. Why do you resist?”

So why not take a couple lines of amour from the grand romancer himself?

Pepe (speaking with actual accent of a French skunk): “Ah, my little darling, it is love at first sight, is it not? M-wa, m-wa, m-wa.”

If tried on your own, this accent should be similar to the “cod” chef’s, described earlier, but not as deep and sans the touch of Jersey.

Pepe: “Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack. I pierce you with the ack-ack of love, Flowerpot.”

I don’t know what it is about using flowerpot as a term of endearment, but it works. Pepe called her a flowerpot, and it entertained us. Enough said. But in addition to that piece of wonderment, he pierced her with the ack-ack of love, in the same sentence. Fantastic. Let’s examine this for use in every day life. You need:

1. A sound effect, preferably repeatable, but not necessarily related to a weapon (Don’t burden yourself with spelling at this time.)
2. An action verb, because you need to do this sound effect onto or at your loved one
3. A household object, which can seemingly be chosen at random but must, in some odd way, convey your attraction
4. A willingness to employ a bad French accent

Let’s try a couple.

Reader: “Puh-puh-puh. I bathe you in the puh-puh of love, Oven Mitt.”

“Puh” is the sound of the machine used in your glaucoma exam, when it blows the small puff of air into your eye. I don’t know why we consider this a funny sound; it just is. It should be made almost under your breath.

Reader: “Choo-choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo. I flatten you with the choo-choo of love, Shower Cap.”

The aggressiveness of the noise can be chosen to fit the mood. You can “puh” during a candlelit evening at home and “choo” at a tailgate. It is such a simple formula for conveying affection, without having to expose any real feelings. It should be adopted the world over. Needless to say the Pepeisms made the final cut. And so did about ten songs.

That concludes the long, written (and useless) explanation of everything but our music selections—just what we were warned against. Sorry.
- Drew Lloyd
From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival