tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36077999856463036832024-02-07T14:18:38.687-08:00From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of SurvivalA blog about a groom planning a wedding.Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-73655713833950061782014-01-10T11:25:00.001-08:002014-01-10T11:25:58.892-08:00SIGNING OFF<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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After we thanked everyone, in
attendance or not, the party was allowed to seek its own identity. We were able
to socialize a bit and see how everyone else was faring on such a magical day.
I went to the bar to get my very own Eternitini. As I was waiting for the
concoction to be prepared, I inquired of a friend if he had had a chance to try
one. He said they were tasty but got a bit sweet after eight. Let the love
flow. This may be unrelated, but a couple hours later, it was discovered that
one could make the sound equipment skip by jumping and landing in a certain
spot on the dance floor. This provided a good fifteen minutes of entertainment
and signaled that our time to depart had come. </div>
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We made it out front and into the
awaiting limo. I held her hand, and we began our glorious ride into ever after.
</div>
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“Do you think everyone had fun?”
she asked. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Everyone I spoke to loved it. Was
it your dream wedding?”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“It was perfect.” </div>
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We kissed, and the limo stopped.
The convenient location of the hotel, around the corner, had made our glorious
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“We should have told him to go
around the block a couple of times,” I said. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Next time, we are going straight
to the airport,” she replied.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Next time?” </div>
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<br /></div>
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I don’t remember anything after
that. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-26436286777390962382014-01-09T12:10:00.000-08:002014-01-09T12:10:17.917-08:00THE RECEPTION<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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We arrived and sent word in to the
DJ that we were ready. From the female contingent, there arose quite a clatter,
the bride’s not bustled, nor have I a cheese platter. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I must keep these rhyme schemes from tales of Christmas yore out of my
head.</i> What I witnessed next was remarkable, in at least a couple of ways:
part Victorian flashback, part peep show, and part engineering marvel. First
the ladies lifted up the back of Christa’s dress, as if it was perfectly
natural to do so. I was taken aback by the friskiness of the bridesmaids but
realized that Christa had plenty of material covering all the fancy parts. The
throwback part was the so-called maidens busying themselves with the lady of
the manor’s appearance. The peep-show part was the momentary curiosity that
comes from any female’s dress being lifted. I marveled at the process itself. I
think someone removed an instruction card from under there somewhere, and as I
moved around to the front to allow Christa some modesty, I could have sworn I
saw pieces of material labeled with letters. There was an entire puzzle hidden
under there. I didn’t spec out the material dimensions or see the handiwork
that produced the equivalent of a drawn Roman shade, within a couple of
minutes, but it was an impressive feat. I did a quick clasp readjust on my
expandable pants to feel as though I too, was being fussed over. I figured my
groomsmen wouldn’t want to help. </div>
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DJ re-signaled, intros made, tables
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Our master plan scheduled our first
dance immediately after we finished eating, while everyone else, hopefully, was
still at it. We wanted our guests’ primary focus to be on the food in front of
them, so they wouldn’t realize that we weren’t really moving around that much.
Though I wouldn’t have dazzled a three-legged hippo with my grace, it was the
best dance ever. If my life ever flashes before my eyes, that moment is one of
a handful of snapshots I would want to see. </div>
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Toasts were made (by Matt and Angie).
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transported, and we didn’t actually cut the cake, at first. We pretended to cut
the cake. We pretended to cut the cake twice, or maybe we continued the initial
pretending. This was one of several moments when the photographer wanted us to
simulate doing something that we were about to do. Why he doesn’t use his
vision of the future to prevent crime, I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t want to
be immersed in a nutrient pool, while Tom Cruise gets all the credit. After we
fake-cut the cake, we cut the cake. I mangled the hell out of that first piece,
but I won’t blame the equipment. We had decided long ago, individually, and
more recently in a bridal congress, not to smash, force, or smear any portion
of cake on one another’s face. There was too much to mess up: makeup, hair, the
dress, and our painstakingly crafted, cost-effective image of class and
elegance. We delicately fed one another, making extra certain not to bite
fingers in the process. They say it is better to give than to receive, which I
think depends on the circumstances, but it is certainly more difficult to give
and receive at the same time. We kissed afterwards, and the pre-cog nailed it,
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Another toast made (by Marvin),
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danced in general. </div>
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At the completion of the bridal
dance, the DJ tried to seize on the momentum and brought out the pre-selected
ringer. We were about to witness the making or breaking of the reception. This
one song would determine the dancing future of the rest of our lives. It was
our only match to ignite the passion of the dance. I heard the intro, and now
the voice-over to put fuel on the fire and start the inferno. It’s
“Celebration” time. </div>
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“There is cake available for those
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">There
was a saboteur in our mix!</i> The single most important decision in our entire
planning, the foreteller of our marital bliss, the ringer, was preceded by an
announcement regarding the availability of cake. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">You’ve ruined us. You saw the cake. You knew how tempting it was. You
were here to liberate the people from the confines of their chairs, to feel the
freedom of the dance, and make our reception a success. But when your moment
came, you turned your back on us and pursued the true prize, the fossil-fuel
thick chocolate goodness of gluttonous excess.</i> </div>
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Toast made (by Christa), toast made
(by Drew). I thanked everyone for coming, those who couldn’t make it, and even
those we hadn’t invited, because we don’t discriminate and do love all people. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-50775957934675153352014-01-06T13:19:00.000-08:002014-01-06T13:19:47.236-08:00Here Begins the Rest of My Life<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Pre-wedding, Jimmy came over and
asked me where I would like the pauses to be in my vows. He said Christa had
already chosen hers, and it was up to me where I wanted mine. So I selected my
pauses. The problem was that the vows remained the same, but our pauses were
slightly different. This caused Christa to at least contemplate: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">These are not the pauses I agreed to. Whose
vows are these?</i>” </div>
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On her turn, she naturally sought
to watch Jimmy recite the vows, to get a confirmation that she was hearing what
she thought she should be hearing, in the appropriate-sized chunks. This did
not register with either of us, as we were being sprinkled with the Lord’s love
droppings. But later, she was accused of being a cyborg by one of our guests—or
more specifically, one of our guest’s guests. This is why you have a gift
registry and table assignments—to redirect and isolate poor taste as much as
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">Reciting our vows to one another was the most emotional part of the
ceremony. It was not the official expiration of my checklist that got me worked
up. Nine months of preparation and stress had disappeared with six sentences. I
don’t know how to describe it, but I could have saved Christmas for all of
Whoville. </span></div>
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We exchanged rings, lit a candle,
and waited for the music to end. Prayer said, union confirmed, kiss initiated,
kiss completed, announcement made, departures commenced. As I passed my dad in
the front row, he gave me a backhand pat on the butt, like I had just come out
of a baseball game. “Way to go, Boo,” probably accompanied it but was inaudible
to me. </div>
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The entire ceremony can be summed
up best by the following conversation with my groomsman Andy.</div>
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“That went well,” he said.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Which part?” I inquired.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“The whole thing.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Was any more explanation needed? <span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">We had a fake limo send-off, drove around the block, and then returned
for pictures. We went through every combination of family and bridal party
members possible, utilizing the perfect combination of angled shoulders and
invasion of personal space to make everyone appear natural and at ease. Our
photographer also insisted on a series of highly unnatural-looking handshakes,
as if my groomsmen and I had recently ended a prolonged military conflict. </span><br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-30440706181918855712014-01-03T12:33:00.000-08:002014-01-03T12:33:11.943-08:00Don’t Hug Your Children<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The blessings began. All four of our
parents were asked to join us at center stage. We felt we should give The MOB
and The MG a little time in the spotlight, as this was their day too. Ask them,
you’ll see. Jimmy asked each set of parents for their blessing and support of
our union, now and in the future. We received an affirmative on each side, with
no accompanying suggestions. I thought that was an excellent sign.</div>
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The parents lit their respective
unity candles. It was during this lighting period that Christa asked again, “Is
my mascara running?” </div>
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She verified the condition of her
mascara and makeup three times during the ceremony. It was perfect, and I told
her so. I don’t know if she was expecting to be able to run off to the powder
room mid-ceremony. My fanny pack was only equipped for craft projects. I could
have touched it up, but it would have been with a Sharpie. </div>
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As the parents returned from candle
lighting, they all had a twinkle in their eyes. Love had not just overwhelmed
them, oh no. They had something up their sleeves. They had decided to deviate
from plan and hug their children before returning to their seats. We’ve all
hugged before, this was nothing new. The MG and The MOB were exploiting the
moment of shared glory we had given them to implement their own plans, one last
time, without approval, and the dads were right there with them. So mocking,
they even told us, “This wasn’t in the plan.” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I had my laminated copy right there, and it mostly definitely was not.</i><br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> <br />
</div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-59481862907419432302013-12-30T11:14:00.000-08:002013-12-30T11:14:11.456-08:00THE CEREMONY<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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We entered the church, one minister
and four athletically built, tuxedo-jacket-wearing men at, or nearing, thirty.
I could tell there were people in the church and smiled at our parents. The
procession began. Everything started out well, and the bridesmaids made it down
without any trouble. As Angie, the maid of honor, started off, the musical
selection for that portion apparently ran out of time. Our guitarist had made a
big deal about needing the approximate duration for each musical selection, as
he was incapable of simply stopping when the time was right. (Your favorite
accent can be reapplied here.) <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Could you
stop the tide from coming in? Would you stop making love simply because the
fire alarm went off? Would you start wearing pants simply because it’s cold
out? </i></div>
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In this continued silence, the
first of our two fantastic recruits came, the Ring Bear. He had a somewhat
varying pace and a slightly nonlinear approach to arriving at the altar. It
wasn’t the swagger of a drunken buffoon, something more like the slight
missteps taken by someone in a strong wind. I personally did not detect a
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“You did a great job,” I told him
and patted his head.</div>
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“Do you want to play?” he asked.</div>
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“OK.” </div>
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You have to admire his ability to
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looking lovely in her dress, with accompanying non-cleavage-enhancing locket.
She was very attentive to form. She alternated hands in support and
distribution, making lovely sweeping gestures out to the side and depositing rose
petals off to the side of the runner, a portion of one deposit actually made it
into someone’s lap. I was only able to eyeball it, but I guesstimated the foci
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smaller-person strides, with all deviations under six inches, perfected through
nine months of practice.</div>
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Christa appeared at the end of the aisle, making it a magical moment on two
fronts, love and musical accompaniment. This was the first time I had seen her
in her wedding dress. There was late afternoon sun coming in the west-facing
doors behind her, and she was simply glowing. Remarkably, the glow didn’t leave
as she came down the aisle. Her beauty in the magical mystery dress, and her
excitement and anticipation created such a wonderful feeling in me. About
halfway down, her emotions almost got the better of her. Her eyes got big, and
her lower lip quivered a bit. The good news was: I never thought for a moment
that she was suddenly overwhelmed with fear and doubt, instead of pure
happiness. The even better news was that I had correctly interpreted someone
else’s feelings, and we weren’t actually about to have our own <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Runaway Bride</i> moment.</div>
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As we met one another at the head
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the last couple of steps up to the altar. The music continued for another
thirty seconds, as that part of the magic subsided. </div>
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We declared our intent to marry.
The intent was like a checkpoint at an amusement park, where they make sure
you’re tall enough and that you understand the risks and waive all potential
injury claims for the ride you’re about to take. We both assented with “Yes, I
will.” <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-14016795859750569232013-12-06T12:02:00.001-08:002013-12-06T12:02:48.272-08:00THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I sat down, at the church, in my
designated holding area. I placed a call to my groomsmen and suggested that
maybe they could bring some snacks over for us. A little later, my groomsmen
arrived with a bag of snacks, including Hot and Spicy Chex Mix, the perfect
wedding-kiss-to-remember accompaniment. We gave high fives and said we were
looking sweet. Not one of us could correctly attach a boutonnière; so much for
my crafties. The videographer made his appearance, made sure to document the
contents of the bag of snacks, and asked my parents for some words of
encouragement. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
My mom said, “I’ve always wanted a
girl and am happy to finally have one.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
My dad, giving his patented head
hug and cheek press, said, “He was quite a deal for a blue light special.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
To summarize, I was perhaps their
second choice of gender, and I had some redeeming qualities for being deeply
discounted merchandise from Kmart. They concluded by saying they were both very
proud and loved me very much (implied: despite my man parts and minimal
commercial retail value). </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I had been planning and helping
orchestrate the next part of my life for nine months. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Let’s get to it already</i>. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Get
me wife. Get me on vacation.</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Near the end of the pre-wedding
downtime, I was joined by Marvin, Christa’s dad. He has never been described as
a hugs-and-kisses kind of guy. But he wanted to tell me that he and The MOB
were very excited and happy for Christa and me. The true amount of emotion
behind his statements wasn’t outwardly obvious, aside from a little shakiness
in his voice and what I thought were watery eyes behind his tinted glasses. </div>
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I was in a state of anxious
delirium and probably sounded like the Tasmanian devil, but responded that I
was very excited to be marrying Christa and, thus, joining the Norris family. I
then started spinning madly. This was followed by one of those slightly awkward
handshake-hug combinations, and the spinning stopped. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
It was time to get started. We were
lined up behind the secret door. As we got in order and waited for our musical
cue to walk into the sanctuary of the church, Matt asked, “Do you have the
ring?” </div>
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<br /></div>
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My pits moistened. Boy, that was
entertaining. Matt had been given the responsibility of carrying my ring. It
had been delayed for as long as possible, because he was my little brother, who
had a history of letting people “borrow” things and not keeping good records of
the transactions. So his practical joke was made more effective by the slight
fear of historical precedence. I laughed but had to consider that he might not
have the ring, when it came time to symbolize my union. The possibility existed
that he may have outjoked himself. It was go time, so I hoped for the best.<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-36895345070082231122013-12-04T12:10:00.001-08:002013-12-04T12:10:24.154-08:00PERSONAL PREPARATIONS<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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I was back at my brother’s house to
shower and get ready. I relaxed for a bit and realized I was reasonably good at
something that I had no desire to ever do again. I was a budding
wedding-planning superstar, opting to retire after my first day in the big
leagues. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How much more magic could one
person stuff into a day? I wonder if anyone will see my fanny pack under my jacket?</i>
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<br /></div>
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I sorted out my attire for the
evening, making sure everything new was available and designated to the right
body part. I entered the shower with my bear soap. I had to borrow some shampoo
from the wall-mounted dispenser. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Is this
a violation of the only new stuff rule? Surely not</i>. I opened the soap and
realized that I had a washcloth, but it wasn’t a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">new</i> washcloth. Perhaps I was a little overconfident in my
preparations, as I had obviously not accounted for every interaction with
cleaning products I was to have that afternoon. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Should
I use a new razorblade, or will that increase the risk of cuts?</i> I asked
myself. I was using the same deodorant and toothpaste from yesterday, as well.
I was starting to feel impure. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Should I
stop now and run to the store and start again? I couldn’t!</i> There wasn’t
enough time to get everyone through the shower and still be excessively early
to the ceremony. I enacted the “it’s only what you wear” clause. I shouldn’t be
concerned with my own purity. It was simply the façade of purity that my outerwear,
covering up my vile secondhand-toiletry body, will project that was important.
At the completion of my cleansing, I realized that my disposable contacts
weren’t new either. They were sort of new, but not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">new</i> new. I couldn’t throw them out, because I didn’t have another
pair; I wanted to see; and that simply wouldn’t have been economical. <i>Who
the hell was talking about economics</i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">?</i>
Were my inner voices not united in comprehending what this day was? Today was
to be pure magic, with emphasis on both <i>pure</i> and <i>magic</i>.
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I pictured my beloved in order to
try and regain my composure. She would be my guiding force. She had accepted
me, knowing my flaws, and decided not to question my apparent knack for crafts.
I would stand before all the witnesses we had invited, so many days ago, and
pledge myself to her. A feeling of relative peace descended upon me. The next
vision I had was of the Pu, and he was laughing. It was kind of a hissing,
whistly laugh that made him seem of Asian descent—like some blind Mr.
Miyagi-esque ninja master, finding humor in his pupil, who had trouble grasping
“sand the floor.” I was never more aware of his all-encompassing genius. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-33818799523895627442013-12-02T11:08:00.001-08:002013-12-02T11:08:20.595-08:00THE MAGICAL DAY - THE RUNAROUND<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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My day began with grumblings from
the mutant canine that needed to tinkle. I unleashed her from her cage. It was
a beautiful morning, pleasant temperature and blue skies. The Lord had heeded
my request and asked Mother Nature to spare our special day from the hurricane
aftermath. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
He had said, “You remember what it
was like to be young and in love. Don’t rain on their parade.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
To which Mother Nature replied,
“Are you saying I’m old? Maybe I’ll go find myself a creator who appreciates a
mature and accomplished woman. It’s not like you’ve been hitting the Ab-Roller
lately.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
On all levels, you must respect
Womankind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Both man and beast returned to the
house relieved; mine was only mental. I sat down, turned on the TV, and began
to organize my first craft project of the day. I had to craft my message of
love in blue mini rhinestones on the bottom of Christa’s shoes. This had to be
accomplished in time for Danza to deliver them to her, at the two-hour hair
appointment all the ladies had scheduled for that morning. There I sat, with a
horse that wanted to play and a cone-headed cat that was interested in my
rhinestones—but more interested in avoiding playing with the horse. The next
twenty minutes of my special day were spent with craft glue and rhinestones
just small enough to be unaccommodating for man hands. Ultimately, I completed
an “I ♥ U” on one of the shoes and called for a blow dryer. Heat was applied.
Then it was time to rouse my best man and begin the day’s errands. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I got a little high-pitch and
lispy. “Hello, people, it’s the wedding day. We need to be up, and we need to
be organized. The love shuttle leaves in twenty minutes.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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My brother and Christa share some
characteristics, mostly in the extended awakening to departure phase of their
days. Here is how Christa and I make it on time to any event:</div>
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<br /></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">I ask, “How long will it take for you to get ready?”
(30 minutes)</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">I multiply her response by her personally adjusted
version of the space-time continuum. (1.6 <span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">X</span> 30 = 48 minutes)</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">I then add an extra fifteen minutes to that total and
subtract that from when we need to leave our house. ( 48 + 15 = 63
minutes) </li>
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<br /></div>
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Over time, I have refined my
estimate of her personal adjustment to the space-time continuum to 1.6. The
most accurate first read of this factor can be obtained by having her cook mac
and cheese, then dividing the length of time she instinctively cooks the
noodles by the time printed on the directions. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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This extra time before departure
allows me to postulate hypotheses on how she could possibly individually affect
the space-time continuum, without displaying any outward signs of superpowers.
I assume that is why she always bumps into stationary objects. She is playing
catch-up with the earth’s orbit, since she exists in a slightly altered
dimension, especially in the bathroom.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
After that tangent, Matt was now
functioning, and we began to load the minivan, now christened the “Love
Shuttle.” We had several stops to make and activities all along the way. The
first stop was the church, where we were delivering the guest book and pen,
unity candle, and programs. We were also meeting up with Jenny, our exceptional
bow-tying, pretty-making hired gun, to get the key to the reception hall for
our next delivery. Jenny was in transit when we arrived, so we got to rest for
a few minutes in the pews. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“I’m tired,” Matt said. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Get your five minutes now, and
we’ll try and get done in time to relax a bit before we need to be back here,”
I replied. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
He’d been on active duty for what,
maybe an hour? So there I was, reclining in God’s house, with a brief moment to
reflect on getting married that day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Why do I have so much crap to do?”
I said out loud. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">At
some point long ago, I was told all I had to do was smile and be agreeable. I
wasn’t told about my checklists, my errands, my battle with a possibly
incurable disease (aka the crafties), my kidnapping, and the rest. Weren’t my
responsibilities supposed to be over with popping the question? If we are going
to find a way to compensate stay-at-home moms, surely we can compensate
stay-at-home wedding planners or at least confer on them an Associate’s degree.
And where was my beautiful bride? Had she gently risen from bed and stretched
to the sweet melody of birds chirping? Might she be on her way to the hair
salon to sip champagne and be fawned and cooed over by everyone? When we renew
our vows, I’m going to be the bride! Who said I didn’t want to be pretty?</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
At the reception site, we drove
around to the side door of the building to unload. We went in to find a cart we
had heard about to move the goods in bulk. The cart was not in the reception hall.
It was not anywhere visible. We asked the security guy if he knew anything. He
told us to check with the facilities office. It was closed. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Holy crap.</i> It was two of us with too
much to carry. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I had to use the restroom. As I
turned the final corner on my way to the restroom, a beam of light shown down
from heaven and illuminated the scene. No, wait. I just happened to glance into
a darkened, seemingly deserted hallway and thought I saw the shadowed outline
of a wheel of small diameter. The cart had been found! I wasn’t sure if the
cart was trying not to be found, so I brought it into the bathroom with me so
it wouldn’t sneak off, if the opportunity presented itself. Doubly sweet relief
that next thirty seconds was. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
We brought in the booze and set out
the table-name cards, which began falling off their bases. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Monkey balls!</i> Repair was needed. If the crafties hadn’t influenced
me to buy a fanny pack, stuff it full of craft supplies for the day’s potential
emergencies, and wear it like my soon-to-be-outdated chastity belt, I might
have panicked. </div>
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<br /></div>
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The florist came in, needed
clarification; I gave it. Favors were out, and Mr. Puddy was displayed. I was
on fire. Somebody find me a six-foot block of ice—I’ll use my knitting needles,
some Ziploc bags, and this remote-control car engine to create a specialty
cocktail spewing lobster. Suck it, Corey!<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-60970917957929734982013-11-27T08:07:00.000-08:002013-11-27T08:07:01.630-08:00PARTING WISHES<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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We drove back to the hotel to part
ways for the last time before being united as husband and wife. She was staying
at the hotel; her beauty sleep had to be respected; and I was staying at my brother’s
house in the guest room, which also housed their new puppy in her cage. She is
an English Mastiff, so this puppy resembles a petite quarter horse. </div>
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I had to retrieve my travel bag of
overnight and preparation essentials. This consisted of new black socks, new
undershirt, and new black boxer briefs. I normally wear boxers, but apparently
I needed even more slimming around the hips. She had done some last-minute
shopping to obtain everything she and I needed for our special day. Not that I
usually spend my days in soiled undergarments, but crisp and clean was the name
of the game. I received a new bar of soap, only to be used that morning or at
my decided cleaning time. It was shaped like a bear and smelled like honey. I
was going to be so pretty and smell so nice. Lastly, she handed me a
gift-wrapped box. </div>
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“Is this the present that we said
we weren’t getting each other?” I asked.</div>
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“Yes. But you’ve put so much work
into this, I thought you deserved one.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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Yes, I had been working hard, but
she had absorbed most of the stress. I was working hard simply to try and
relieve portions of that stress from her. But despite everything she had to
deal with, including me, she went that extra mile to make someone else feel
happy and appreciated. That was one of the infinite reasons I took her off the
market. It was also why I could overlook her hints at upgrading the cleanliness
of my wedding undergarments. I opened the gift and was blown away that she had
gotten me, not a good-luck pack of breath mints, but an elegant Swiss Army
watch. </div>
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Let us again take a moment to be
thankful for the unfazed neutrality of Switzerland that allows their obviously
entirely heterosexual armed forces to pursue their passionate interest in
fashion design, without the worry of armed conflict disrupting the creative
process. How effective an offensive can you have with a fighting force that is
constantly delayed by the looting of the fallen to inspect the thread count of
their garments and seek inspiration from their methods of supply-packing and
transport?</div>
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It wasn’t easy to say good-bye, but
it was easy to look forward to tomorrow. We kissed one last time and smiled—in
anticipation of what lay ahead and in relief at reaching the culmination of the
last nine months.<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-33646695893135408232013-11-26T10:35:00.000-08:002013-11-26T10:35:17.023-08:00THE DINNER SHOWDOWN<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The rehearsal dinner is a dinner,
but it is not a rehearsal. This is the real deal. The MOG (mother of the groom)
has the honor of opening the formal festivities for the inner circle of guests
and setting the tone for the events to come. She also has the advantage of only
having to accommodate a quarter of the guests. The MG was all over this one.
She started touring possible rehearsal dinner sites, when we were still in San
Diego. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
This allowed her to fill her own
suggestion box, instead of ours. The only restraints we set were to avoid
outdoing the reception itself and to try not to serve the same food. She did
everything, short of monogramming moist towelettes for everyone after the meal.
This was the event that, hopefully, illustrated: “had you taken all of my
suggestions, this is what you could have expected.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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The dinner was scheduled to follow
the rehearsal, with a cocktail hour preceding it. We were a little late,
because we had to retrieve all the gifts from the hotel. It was our day, or at
least the practice run of our day, so a stylish, celebrity-late arrival was not
uncalled for. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Our two big concerns were, first,
whether we had forgotten anyone who needed a present, and second, what we were
going to say for our toast. We had gotten everyone and their mothers a present,
so surely we were safe on the first item. The second item had consumed a great
part of our car ride to Bloomington the previous day. It was a typical
conversation, where it took me about twenty minutes to contribute something
useful. It was not that I was silent. I just didn’t say things that she thought
would be appropriate, since the minister—and other people she didn’t know
yet—would be present, and good impressions are important. </div>
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<br /></div>
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At some point down the road, I
became useful and helped a bit with a toast that was somehow humorous,
gracious, and sincere, all at once. This was mostly her doing, as I may be able
to get one, maybe two, of these qualities at any given time, but completing the
trifecta is beyond my social abilities. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Let me provide an example from the
meal. After the cocktail hour, when everyone had made it to their assigned
places, my father kindly asked Jimmy, our minister, to say a prayer before
dinner. It was a great prayer. I don’t remember all the details, but it had
blessings and thankfulness for everyone coming together for such a festive occasion,
maybe something about nourishment. It concluded with his “amen,” followed by
the communal “amen.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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Right after that, that I exclaimed,
“Yeah, that’s why we got him!” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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This was sincere. We were both
happy with our good fortune at having Jimmy presiding over our ceremony. I
chose to vocalize it at that point. I felt this was humorous, in and of itself,
but by immediately following a prayer, it became the kind of humor that,
consciously or not, people were a bit hesitant to laugh at. Perhaps, they wished
to stay in the Lord’s good graces a couple minutes longer than I. This slight
discomfort only added to my personal enjoyment of the moment. Now graciousness,
as characterized by tact and propriety, was not abundantly apparent in that
moment. Jimmy actually enjoyed it. My dad had that parental look of
half-smiling while shaking his head.</div>
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The dinner proceeded without a
hitch after that. We toasted, thanking everyone, especially The MG and The MOB,
for all of their suggestions and recommendations, then distributed what seemed
like 137 presents or so.<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-11536729317231270842013-11-25T12:09:00.000-08:002013-11-25T12:09:27.134-08:00PRACTICE MAKES NEAR-PERFECT<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Now it was time to bring everyone
together to see how this was all going to work. This practice was scheduled for
roughly an hour. All we needed was an hour to put this magical ceremony
together and work out any kinks that might not have been accounted for. After
nine months of planning, one hour seemed short. Imagine studying months for
medical school entrance exams; you take them and barely survive. You spend an
hour in school and head off to the operating room. It seems unlikely that your
first procedure will go smoothly.</div>
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Everyone gathered at the correct
church within fifteen minutes of the scheduled start time. It didn’t resemble a
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“You will stand here and wait for
this cue. Then you move here and stand again. Things will be said. You two will
do this. Parents will proceed to candles; candles burn; return to original
place. Things will be said; you will repeat them. Bless it, kiss it,
hallelujah! Are there any questions? The wedding coordinator will be at the
back, giving everyone the go signal, and Jimmy will run the show, when everyone
is in place. Let’s walk through it from the top.” </div>
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It seemed easy enough to move when
cued and speak when spoken to. About halfway through the walk-through—enter
musician. He came two-thirds of the way down the aisle. He stopped and tapped
his foot, waiting for the spotlight to be turned his way. He caught Jimmy’s
attention with the sun reflecting off his Aqua Net<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">–</span>reinforced acrylic beast of a plucking thumbnail.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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(Please use the accent of your
choice for this statement.) <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“I was with
students. I need to plug in. I need to hear the room, the acoustics, the
romance. I suppose you want someone of my magnificence up front for the ladies
to enjoy and the men to envy. Were you in the middle of something? I will only
be tuning for ten minutes or so.” </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The walk-though made it seem so
simple. And you really want it to be simple, because you are so done with the
checklist from The Knot, verifying details, preparing guest-friendly favors,
and checking comfort bags for allergens. You want the rubber stamp of approval
and a ride to the airport. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
We held each other’s hands and
looked at one another as final placements were covered. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“About this time tomorrow, we’ll be
married,” she said. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“I know. I can’t wait.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
A ton of stress was lifted, as I
looked at her and thought about being married to her. It’s great to have the
moment when you know, but I enjoy the moments where you know you knew, that
very first time, but still didn’t know how good you had it. That is the magic
of love. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The humor of love comes when you
enjoy finding the hair she’s pulled from her hairbrush floating in the toilet
in the morning. If you’re curious, I’m not allowed to leave anything in the
toilet, not even a Post-it note that’s says, “I love you. Please flush your
hair.” <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-47389160593256399582013-11-22T12:20:00.001-08:002013-11-22T12:20:34.607-08:00PICKING UP THE DUDS<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I had to pick up my tux. I was
about fifteen pounds lighter then when I had gotten my measurements, maybe two
months ago. This was a product of some exercise, but mostly some stress-induced
dinnerless nights. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
As I walked to the tux store, I
thought about my pants possibly being too big. I wasn’t sure how pounds equate
to inches, but I prefer all pant droppings to be voluntary. Christa and The MG
had very different takes on this shrinkage. Christa was very annoyed that I
could lose weight by doing nothing (that is, nothing that she wasn’t doing).
Never flaunt your metabolism to a loved one in a pre-wedding fitness scenario.
There is no winner there. On the other end, The MG, acting as my mom, was
concerned about my health. She wasn’t comfortable with the weight-loss figures
that Christa relayed to her over the phone. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“He loses weight just sitting
around. It’s not fair,” Christa complained to her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“That’s not normal. Does he have a
worm? Maybe he should see a doctor?” The MG replied. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A tapeworm? Honestly?</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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“Why don’t you ask him,” Christa
replied, handing me the phone.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I had to get on the phone and
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every once in a while. I know it’s not the healthiest thing to do, but it’s not
a parasite or a debilitating disease.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
After I got off the phone, Christa
said, “That’s great. Now, not only does she think I can’t really cook, but
you’re malnourished because of it. Or maybe she thinks I’m feeding you some
kind of infected meat, since we apparently live in filth.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I thought she might be
overreacting, but stating so might be construed as a negative comment. I felt
that wasn’t worth the risk. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“You know I didn’t ask you to marry
me because of your cooking and cleaning skills. It’s because we’re meant for
one another, even if we eat mac and cheese and live in squalor for a few days,
before we decide to do something about it,” I replied. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“You can’t say I didn’t give you
plenty of warning,” she stated. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Noted.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Arriving at the tux store, I was
greeted by the friendly staff. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Tux for Lloyd, please,” I said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Here you are, sir. Why don’t you
try it on and make sure it fits.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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I was assisted into the jacket and,
for some reason, my arms seemed to be held slightly aloft. I understood this
was a penguin suit, but that’s based on the color pattern, not the fact that I
was now limited to 80 percent rotator-cuff motion and couldn’t reach into my
pockets. My armpits puffed out moisture, because this was even worse than the
baggy-pants scenario that had been running through my mind. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Before I could put a voice to my
racing thoughts, the kind gentleman said, “Oops, this is Matt’s tux.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Yes, I do have a narrower brother,
and I was putting on his jacket. “Ha.” My wedding plan-racked brain induced a
nervous laugh. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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“I thought I had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lost</i> weight,” I said. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I made a funny. I tried to
stabilize my thoughts and reassure my fragile confidence. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Keep working the friendly, just a few more hours until cocktail hour at
the rehearsal dinner. It’s a marathon, but we’re almost done,</i> I told myself.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Don’t worry, the pants are
adjustable,” my assistant replied, reducing my fear.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Who
is Tuxedo Jim, and how can I shake his hand? Adjustable pants, damn!</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tuxedo renting that’s starvation- and
glutton-proof, the great Oz has spoken, and it will be done. Please tell me
there is some kind of space-age polymer that makes them stain, wrinkle, and
flame resistant as well.</i> I went into the changing room, hopped in, and
adjusted the flaps to streamline, just snug enough to hold onto my newly svelte
hips. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I gave the thumbs up as I returned
to the sales floor. “If you see Jim, tell him to stop by the reception for a
drink on the house,” I said. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Do you want to take your brother’s
tux?” they asked. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Oh, Christ, I better,” I replied. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“And how will you be paying?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Do you accept blood platelets?”<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-88062006261545583262013-11-21T09:49:00.001-08:002013-11-21T09:49:36.145-08:00CERTIFY MY LOVE<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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One of the vital tasks we saved for
the day before the wedding was obtaining the wedding certificate. Without this,
our wedding would not be recognized, by the state, that is. No one in
attendance would care if we had a certificate that signified bureaucratic
approval, but apparently our love would be meaningless, unless the state had
its form on file. We could vow anything we wanted, but we would be nothing more
than two people who exchanged some jewelry and threw a party. A wonderfully
attired couple whose party was so mind-blowing in its seamless melding of
theme, color, and spectacle, it would be recalled for generations in bedside
tales. </div>
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Getting the certificate is such a
significant moment in each and every to-be-married couple’s life that the state
of Indiana has created a special line in the clerk’s office, down in the bowels
of the Justice Building. The state also would charge us a reasonable one-time
fee of $62, since we were considered an out-of-state couple. In-state couples
pay $20. Either that extra $42 goes towards needless interstate bureaucracy, or
local residents are taxed $42 for wedding certificate production and
processing. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That</i> makes children cry
at Christmas. In addition, they only accept checks from Indiana, because anyone
who would opt to come to Indiana to get married smells of scoundrel. </div>
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Under the halogen bulbs of heavenly
bliss, we made our way to the counter, where we were greeted by a pleasant lady
who said, “Congratulations!” and whipped out a four-foot long contract to
validate our love. We had to disclose our whereabouts for the past twenty
years, all our blood relations, who gave birth to us, what names they went by,
where they had met, and their reasons for conceiving. And since this contract was
a bond of trust with the state of Indiana, they also needed to know what our
intended whereabouts would be for the next six months in order to track us
down, in case we tried to pass our bad Ohio checks to other local service
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The excitement of getting our
wedding certificate was tempered by the reconnaissance we had to do—gathering
all of the necessary information to make our parents accessories to any foul
play we might do in the future. I will be glad to have our love officially on
file in Indiana, the trusting state. </div>
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While we were filing our love, it
was exciting to hear my future bride say she would be taking my name in some
official context. I felt like I was really looking at my wife for the first
time, and that was the best feeling. But I wish to state that, in no way,
should the state of Indiana take credit for fostering such magical moments, due
to its desire to create paper trails for all individuals seeking lifetime
partnership within its state lines. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-68881066740229083712013-11-19T11:23:00.001-08:002013-11-19T11:23:22.377-08:00A DISEASE-FREE UNION<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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A prerequisite of getting married
in Indiana was that the female in the proposed union be vaccinated for rubella
(German measles). I would have to check the history logs, but I believe every
child in the United States born after the “War of Northern Aggression” has been
vaccinated for rubella during childhood. That was the only
disease/ailment/medical issue that was a concern for the state of Indiana. I
think this was an initiation prank for states joining the Union. Upon
successful application for statehood, the leading senator selected a disease
from a hat to be used as the first step of needless bureaucracy for their
state. As luck would have it, Indiana got rubella. </div>
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The bad news was twofold. First,
Christa’s pediatrician passed on several years back, and her immunization
records had, inevitably, been misplaced over time, and copies had not been kept
in the Norris household. Christa’s choices were to have blood drawn to confirm
the vaccination or to be revaccinated to provide a record for the state of
Indiana. The second piece of unpleasant news was that Christa hates needles
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She assumed that she was vaccinated
as a child, so she opted for the easier (that is, smaller and less painful)
needle of a blood draw to confirm the vaccination Unfortunately, this test came
back inconclusive, which was not good news, as she needed to get a booster. She
got the shot about a week before the wedding. It was very painful, and she
almost blacked out in the elevator leaving the doctor’s office. </div>
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“Why don’t you need a shot?”
Christa complained.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“I am guessing that the government
sees women only as the disease-carrying, dirty whores in Indiana.”</div>
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“Indiana is sexist, and its
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of them had to get a shot.”</div>
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“They probably did change it, but
only for themselves,” I replied, just before realizing I probably shouldn’t
have.</div>
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Thankfully, Christa was willing to
go through with the agony of becoming a Hoosier wife. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-42038291701297474942013-11-18T12:16:00.000-08:002013-11-18T12:16:11.099-08:00THE FINAL DAY OF GROOMDOM - IN THE GIFTING MOOD<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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We concluded that everyone involved
needed a gift. Our wonderful flower girl dropped the hint that her friend, who
was a flower girl, got an engraved locket. So we had to go get an engraved
locket. Some kind of Jedi mind trick that was. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
We did not find the right design
and price level at the jewelers. (One dissuading factor was the sales pitch
highlighting the piece’s power to draw attention to the chest. Since we weren’t
trying to enhance the cleavage of our seven-year-old niece, we had to pass.) So
we went to the mall’s finest engrave-anything store and came across a lovely
specimen that could be engraved for a reasonable price, and one gift was done. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Next, we had to find an equivalent
gift for the Ring Bear. I don’t know if this was a symptom of the crafties or
not, but we went to the Build-a-Bear store, trying to find a suitable bear in
tux. I had my moment of clarity, when I saw myself in a mirror, debating the
merits of teddy bear shoes, while wearing my latest hand-knitted sweater vest.
I no longer recognized the face looking back but loved my outfit and wondered
where I could get one for myself. Christa touched my arm, and the spell was
momentarily broken. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I said, “We need to leave. The guy
in the sweater vest is creeping me out.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
She groaned, and we exited without
a bear. Panic set in, as our time limit for co-existing in a shopping mall is
about twenty minutes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Thank the Lord for Pottery Barn
Kids and their decision to stock a bear the size of a badger with a glandular
problem. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Look—a bear,” she said, fifty
yards from the store.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“What do you have, bear-dar?” I
asked, as we closed in at a brisk pace.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“It’s the gift of shopping,” she
said, hoisting the bear up for inspection.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“It’s fuzzy and fat,” I said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“It’s perfect,” she replied. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
It was paid for in record time, and
we both fled for fresh air. “Chariots of Fire” was playing in my head, as we
ran in slow motion to the car, having completed another task on our checklist. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
That feeling lasted until the
Thursday before the wedding, when Christa decided that our parents needed
something. They had put so much effort and financing into the wedding, it would
be rude not to get them something when <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everybody</i>
else got something. I agreed with the argument but felt the timing could have
been better. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Christa was perfectly fine buying
things at the last minute, since that was when the idea came to her. But recall
from my groomsmen gifts that, when someone knows what he is getting and chooses
to wait until a later time, maybe the last minute, then procrastination is
annoying. Only a person can procrastinate, not a brain. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Allow me a tangential paragraph.
What some people call procrastination is actually advanced financial thinking.
Last-minute revelations do not have an interest-earned benefit, but
procrastination does. I sacrificed approximately four cents of interest by
buying my man bags early, clearing my calendar for when Ms. (future Mrs.)
Last-Minute Revelation decided to get picture frames for our parents. Listen up
kids, with compounding interest my forfeited four cents would have been a
quarter by the time we reach retirement. But I gave up my dream of being able
to pay for five minutes of curbside parking for my land speeder in 2045 to
allow for last-minute gifting emergencies. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
In my later years, say about 2045,
I intend to sit barefoot on top of a grassy hill in a pleasant climate. I will
be surrounded by animals of friendly disposition and questionable looks, while
I endow with great understanding of the world those who seek my counsel for the
very affordable and symbolic rate of twenty-five cents—paid directly to the
meter at the base of the hill, where my land speeder will be parked.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
On Friday, we went to Bloomington,
arising extra early to allow a stop at Macy’s in downtown Cincinnati, where we
would search for a wondrous picture frame for each set of parents. What set of
parents doesn’t over-purchase wedding photos? Plus, history had shown us to be
extremely efficient frame shoppers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
It was understood that there would
be a very limited amount of time and that I should be nothing, if not
agreeable. Fortunately for our nonexistent budget, the wonderful people at
Waterford had a crystal frame with a heart at the top. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“It’s a little expensive,” I said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“It’s the only good one here,” she
replied. “And we need to get them something, even though we can never repay
them for all they’ve done.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“If it’s not possible to repay
them, then why even try? Let’s simply acknowledge the fact,” I responded.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Honey, it’s your parents!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Fine. Let’s get it and go.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“We have to gift wrap it.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Holy Mother! Gift wrapping?”<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-78059701914832157122013-11-15T11:17:00.001-08:002013-11-15T11:17:42.883-08:00CONCOCTING LOVE<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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Creating a specialty cocktail was
an intense, drawn-out process, especially with taste testing. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why waste good booze? It didn’t ask to be a
part of this experiment.</i> We looked at recipes and bartender guides, trying
to find the color, taste, and intoxicating nature of our love. And having just
one specialty cocktail meant unifying our individual rates and flavors of
intoxication. Agreeing on the liquor of love, without considering the mixers,
was tricky.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Always easy to begin with: “This is
not a Wild Turkey wedding.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
But having one chance, one option,
to passionately inebriate the masses was not an easy thing to accomplish,
especially since you can change your mind right up until the wedding itself. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Had we stayed true to our roots, we
would have served Miller Lite from a questionably clean pitcher in plastic
cups. This was the beverage of choice at Suburban Lanes, where our spark was
first brought to life. We would have certainly cleaned our pitchers, but at
Suburban Lanes, I feel they may treat serving-ware the same way they treat
their shoes. It comes in, gets a quick spray, and is shelved and ready for next
time. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Strong or weak, fruity, milky or
nutty, sweet or sour, should it burn at all? Truthfully, choosing four was the
easy way out, Corey, my former high school friend and wedding idea stealer.
There was no easy way to combine a Newcastle, a dirty martini, a Cosmo, and a
Malibu Rum and pineapple. Actually, the combining was easy. It was the drinking
that left something to be desired. </div>
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<br /></div>
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After my ingredients were thrown
out, the process became much easier. Malibu Rum, pineapple, and cranberry were
combined, in roughly equal parts, to create an alcoholic, fruity, but
not-too-sweet concoction. It was strong enough to get the party going and
pleasant enough that people could take in a little bit of love without losing
their way. It was dubbed the Christa and Drew Eternitini. Type it up, print it,
frame it, and check it off.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Celebratory toast: May your cup
always runneth over, figuratively speaking, as an Eternitini in the mouth is
worth several on the floor.<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> <br />
</div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-87814562565293341742013-11-14T11:15:00.001-08:002013-11-14T11:15:31.634-08:00PROGRAMMING LOVE<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Making the ceremony program was
another task involving complete freedom and many unwritten rules. Christa
desired something pretty and unlike anything anyone may have seen recently. I
thought the programs could be done well at home (read cheaply), and since
programs were even more disposable than invitations, why not focus on content
and not materials. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How many have you
saved?</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I brought back the lobster for a
little front-page symbolism. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Then I thought, “Why not two lobsters?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The xylophone of genius had tinkled
again. I made uni- and bi-lobster versions and e‑mailed them to Christa at
work. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
She turned to her coworkers and
stated, “Don’t ask, but one lobster or two?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
It was two in a landslide. If you
looked close enough, they were gazing into one another’s eye-like things, while
also implying a reverence to a higher power. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I filled in the rest with some
snippets of humor, to more humanly introduce the bridal party, and concluded
with a salutation and photo of our favorite feline abductor with his tongue
sticking out. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Print it, fold it, and we’re done.
The hand-off to Kinko’s was made. Though I was able to design the program with
my unprofessional artistic accreditation, I had to make sure the production was
professional. Kinko’s called later that evening. I was one short car trip from
checking off another item. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Our folding machine is not
working,” my sales professional stated.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
This was not good. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“OK?” I said, hinting that a
possible solution might be helpful. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“We can fold them by hand…at our
hourly labor rate.” He offered. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The labor rate was much higher than
the agreed-on folding-machine rate. At some point, if your luck hasn’t been all
that great, you begin to expect scandal from anyone providing anything for your
wedding. Clearly a bait and switch had occurred.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“These are our wedding programs, as
you can probably tell by looking at them. We need them to be perfect. We want
the machine,” I replied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Our manager will be in tomorrow.
I’ll have him take a look and advise you.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Great.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I hung up. I was thrilled that
store management was going to take a personal interest in my programs. I ate
myself back into a good mood. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
They called back a couple hours
later and said they had fixed it. The machine had apparently needed some
adjustments for the paper thickness. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">So
why even bother me? Did you kick it a couple times after the up-sell didn’t
work? I knew our love was an undeniable force, but was all the testing really
necessary?</i><br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> <br />
</div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-71234449610295865342013-11-13T10:41:00.001-08:002013-11-13T10:41:16.106-08:00The Last Temptation of Craft<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I imagine you are as sick and tired
of Michael’s as I am, so I will spare you the details of the next six trips,
but I have personally documented my pain and suffering for insurance purposes.
Sadly, I started to be recognized by the CraftMasters. I started to think silk
flowers weren’t that bad. </div>
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<br /></div>
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My final task was to acquire some
blue sparkly rhinestones and craft glue to construct a handmade message of love
on the underside of Christa’s wedding shoes. (I even knew what aisle to go to.)
This was some cute idea from a bridal magazine. I don’t recall how I was talked
into it. I returned home, had my tools, and was ready to roll. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Where are the shoes?” I said.
“I’ll be done in no time.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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“You can’t do it now. You must do
it on the day of the wedding, so I won’t see it.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Are
you simply not aware of the disease I am fighting? I put on a brave face each
evening, so you won’t worry. But I have been to Michael’s seven times in what
seems like the last thirty minutes, and now, during your scheduled two-hour
champagne-enhanced hair appointment with the ladies, on the day of our wedding,
I must complete a craft project?</i> </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Are you going to make me
anything?” I asked in return.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“Sweetie, I have enough to worry
about that day,” she replied.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Well, I don’t think that’s…”</div>
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<br /></div>
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“You’ll have me as your wife. Won’t
that be the best gift ever?” she continued quickly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Damn
your infernal cuteness. </i></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“This won’t work at Christmas, just
so you know.” <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-5597383271296644422013-11-12T11:40:00.000-08:002013-11-12T11:40:20.727-08:00Craft Me Wednesday<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The next day I was up and ready to
get my craft on. First I headed to Wal-Mart for blank CDs and labels to
construct the favors. I bought seventy-five CDs and a package of seventy-five
CD labels. I self-checked and was out the door and on to Michael’s. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I passed by Walgreens and laughed,
“Not today, my friend.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Two seconds later, I was parked at
Michael’s, and the moment had passed. Inside, I headed to the frame aisle and
counted three more of the perfect frame. That made four total. I remained quiet
and motionless in the frame aisle, waiting for my moment. Then a red-aproned
CraftMaster passed by the end of the aisle. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“Excuse me, do you have more frames
in the stockroom?” I asked, hoping the question required no firsthand
inspection of the frame I held. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Some we do,” the CraftMaster
replied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The CraftMaster approached, but not
alone. The CraftMaster, like the supplies it utilized, carried the crafties. I
have not seen a craftie, as no one can with the naked eye, but I have heard
they are exceptional leapers. I didn’t know what a safe distance was. Most
people don’t even know they carry the crafties, until they find themselves at a
scrapbooking party in a macramé vest. I pointed at the frame and took a couple
steps back, but at an angle, so I didn’t get too close to the craft supplies
looming on the opposite side of the aisle. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“That is a sale frame, so
everything should be on the shelf,” it replied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Thank you. I have no further
questions.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I audibly exhaled when the
CraftMaster departed in the direction from which it came, so there was no
awkward and dangerous passing in the aisle. I bought the three additional
frames, which would frame half of the bridal party subset of eight. I was more
than willing to give the pretty ones to the girls, without hesitation. I later
realized that, in my flight from Michael’s, I hadn’t looked for another frame
that might be suitable for the male half of the bridal party, and I would have
to return. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Back home, I performed a test run
of a CD label. It came out looking pretty good. I peeled off the sticker, only
to learn that, by running around the heated drum in my laser printer, the
sticker now wanted to exist in the fetal position of stickers, curling in on
both sides. If the sticky sides touched one another my label would be ruined.
This problem required me to use my man hands, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">which are normal-sized for a male with very respectable dexterity</i>,
to circumnavigate the label attachment tool, as a way to restrict the curl
without attaching myself to the label, while lining up the CD with the other
hand, lowering the CD, and pressing it onto the label with a fluid motion—while
removing my curl-restricting fingers at the precise thousandth of a second to
avoid the pinch. It was even more painful than it sounds. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
After a couple, I decided to leave
that frustration for later and went to Kinko’s to dimension my table name
pieces, because there is nothing better than being frustrated when heading into
a task needing precision and dedication. A friendly associate greeted me and
asked whether I needed any help. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“No, I just need to use the super
cutter for a while,” I replied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
He graciously waved his hand in the
direction of the super cutter. Neither he nor I knew that I would be spending
the next two hours at the cutting station. As I began to exhibit stage one
crafties, I used some dummy table names to practice and measure the final
design, without ruining a final version. I only had one final copy of each,
because I was still in stage one. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Once done, I headed out to the car,
loaded my stuff, and pulled out of the lot. I heard a thunk and looked in my
rearview to see my table-labels box lying in the middle of the road. I don’t
remember what required the box to be set on the car roof while I opened the
door, but all my work was probably ruined and at the mercy of any oncoming
motorist. Having not yet made my good-weather pact with God, I cursed, pulled
into the next driveway, and ran back down the street, still cursing, to
retrieve the box. I waved at a passing car and got back to the sidewalk. I
didn’t know it was possible to be overworked and unemployed at the same time.
The box had suffered a little, but the contents looked good. The reception
could go on, but I am unsure whether I will ever be the same. Wedding
preparation and the crafties had begun to make me lose my mind. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I don’t drive off with stuff on top of my
car. I don’t lose my train of thought easily. I don’t use electrical appliances
in the shower. When will the sanity return?</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Should I tell Christa, my future
bride, that by the time we get married, she may be marrying a man who is losing
his mind, due to a full-blown case of the crafties? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I needed to be held and told
everything would be OK, to hear that soon I’d be married and could let my
crafty persona get flabby, and no one would mind. I finally had a day that
needed listening to, and Christa was there. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
She loved the table names and said,
“Who’s my little wedding planner? Who is it?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
We both enjoyed the brainless
entertainment of sitcom reruns that evening. And later, I learned that the best
way to put the crafties into remission was to drink beer and watch sports and
manly construction shows, until I realized construction is nothing more than crafties
on steroids, and knew I was in for a long, slow recovery.<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-86774198902900280072013-11-08T12:36:00.000-08:002013-11-08T12:36:15.409-08:00Craft Me Tuesday<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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After a great night’s sleep, I
returned to Walgreens the next day. I didn’t even ask if my photos might have
stayed in the queue. I resubmitted.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“When will my photos be done?” I asked.
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“About an hour,” the help replied.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Fortunately, Michael’s was in the
same shopping center as Walgreens. Fortunate may be a strong word here, but I
did save some gas money in transitioning from store to store. I needed frames
for my soon-to-be-ready photos. They needed to be pretty but not gaudy, silver
but not shiny, and fit exactly with the entire wedding theme of understated
elegance. At Michael’s, I could even dress my teddy bear to go clubbing, so why
not find the frame of all frames. And find it I did, a lovely number meeting
all the criteria, as best I could tell. I understood, at this point, that if it
didn’t meet the instinctual “doesn’t feel right” criteria when under
inspection, nothing else really mattered. But it at least qualified for inspection.
I grabbed one to take home. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Frame selection might sound easy,
but I haven’t told you that we had been visiting frame shelves, sections, and
departments for the past month—and had not yet found the frame of eternal love.
We had surveyed and passed on hundreds of frames. Some, with the flashing chili
peppers, were easy to dismiss, but I felt several respectable candidates had
been denied, based on “I’m just not feeling it.” </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“This one is nice,” I said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“I don’t know,” Christa replied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I listed all the criteria the frame
met. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“The people don’t look happy,” she
responded.</div>
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<br /></div>
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“What people?” I said, glancing
around.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“In the frame. It’s tainted.”</div>
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<br /></div>
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Apparently, a frame with even a
hint of discontentment on the inside could never truly contain and display the
eternal joy our winner was destined for.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Frame and pictures were purchased,
and I headed home. Tasks to accomplish that evening were:</div>
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<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Hopeful
confirmation ceremony for picture frame</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Final
approval on table-name card color, design, and display</li>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I started with the easiest, the
table names. I only needed to determine the final proportions of the support
structure. I cut one support piece the long way, accounting for the
quarter-inch border on either side, folded it in half, and said, “This is as big
as they can be.” </div>
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<br /></div>
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“It’s perfect,” Christa
enthusiastically replied. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Let there be joy around the world,
for a period no shorter than forty days! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“But there is too much space around
the text,” she added.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
And may we now suspend that
celebration. Adjustments were made, and an accord was struck. Final production
was added to the next day’s to-do list. Now for the frame. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“I also found a frame that I think
will do the trick.” (Big reveal from plastic bag.) “What do you think?” I
asked.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“That is cute. Nice job, honey. We
need eight, plus the two parents’ pictures. How many do they have?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“At least one,” I dejectedly
replied. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I mean, how short-sighted of me, to
find the one-in-two thousand frame, bring it home, and not consider quantity. I
won a battle and decided that was enough for one day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“You didn’t at least look?” she
inquired.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“I’ll go back tomorrow.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Nothing deflates you like knowing
you’re going right back into the craftie zone the next day, especially when it
could have been avoided. I slept in a ball on the floor that night. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-82068420510716400592013-11-07T10:12:00.000-08:002013-11-07T10:12:03.530-08:00The Photo Po-Po<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Over this same period, we had been
soliciting childhood photos from our bridal party, which would be displayed in
black and white, in front of each person seated at the bridal table. After a
month or so of reminders, we had accumulated six of the eight. The other two
would be provided by Angie, who had strict guidelines on quality control for
her image. We also had pictures of our parents, from their wedding days, that
would be placed on the cake table.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I had six photos and two digital
scans that I needed to de-color, resize, and print, so I headed off to
Wal-Mart. I performed the necessary cropping, converted to black and white, and
clicked to process. Lab quality photos in about fifteen minutes. I entertained
myself by trying to guess what was behind me by smell. I returned to the photo
station and received the news that only three of my pictures could be printed
due to professional photographer copyright issues. The Photo Po-Po had set up
shop at Wal-Mart and were barricading my way to smooth wedding task completion.
Two were obvious studio portrait shots. I didn’t force the issue here. Another
was an obvious school photo which, even without the gold seal of
professionalism, shall not be reproduced without express written consent. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The first of the two held up for no
good reason was my parents’ wedding shot, which had to have been taken by a
professional, since it was a wedding. The MG had, during a previous
wedding-photo-viewing event, explained how they had let one of my dad’s friends
shoot their wedding. It was one of the dumbest things they had ever done, as
his work was unprofessional and more and more intoxicatedly blurry, as the
evening wore on. I offered to call my mom for the Po-Po to speak to regarding
the facts in this case, but he said that would not be necessary. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The second photo giving him reason
to pause was of me on a Big Wheel, in the middle of our blacktop driveway. It
somehow gave the illusion, in black and white, of a curtain. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I admit it could have been my very
professional approach to having my photograph taken when I was three. I would
use Blue Heat, my signature gaze for picking up ladies at day-care.</i> Come
on, you’re taking your job too seriously. </div>
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<br /></div>
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“It will be fifteen minutes to
process them,” he said. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Curses!
I have already taken hours off my life by inhaling the secondhand stench of
rolled-back prices, and now you are unnecessarily extending my exposure. I need
to be off to a less discerning photo lab, where copyrights are as meaningless
as customer service. </i>Twelve minutes later, I was headed to Walgreens.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
At Walgreens, I headed to the photo
center machine with the scanner. It was now after five, and the photo expert
had surely left for the day, leaving a wonderful, copyright-unaware associate
to staff the center at her convenience. I scanned away and submitted two of the
last three. The finish line was near. I edited the last and submitted. I looked
around expectantly for ten minutes. Finally I went to the cashier and
interrupted her personal phone call to ask when I could expect my pictures to
be ready. She paged a photo technician to the station. Five minutes later, the photo
tech, who was apparently a lower ranking associate, arrived. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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“How long will it be until my
photos are ready?” I asked.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“The print machine is down. You’ll
have to come back tomorrow, once the tech has serviced it,” she replied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Holy
Mother of all that is crap! I believe I heard “tech” when they paged you. </i><br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-74172573469423158252013-11-05T11:07:00.001-08:002013-11-05T11:07:57.199-08:00My Homes Away from Home<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Each of the table names needed to
be displayed in some way. They needed to be printed on champagne-colored paper
and placed on a merlot background. The design needed to be self-standing and
noble, yet not obtrusive or visually limiting to the guests. It needed a
delicate, yet wistful font, while still proclaiming its place on our rented
tables. It also had to include a lobster or, better, two, gazing at one another
and offering a lifetime of companionship. </div>
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I pursued the perfect lobster
throughout the great cyber-ocean. I was but a man and his mouse sailing the
great open seas, past third-grade science projects and some very jovial man’s
summer vacation to the Northeast. Then the great beast appeared before me, his
head turned slightly away, but raising a mighty claw to toast the newest couple
in the great crustacean community. He had an air about him that inspired great
celebration at his arrival and instant attention when he implied a desire to
speak. </div>
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I asked of him, “Kind Sir, of all
the digitally rendered members of the animal kingdom, I sought you out for your
nobility, your sincerity, and your very firm handshake that jolts anyone who
makes your acquaintance. I would be most pleased and forever indebted, if you
would allow me to place your image of transcendent love on our table-name
cards.”</div>
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He tipped his big whisker, gave me
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would gladly grace your table, just not from a pot.”</div>
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“You can’t cook a jpeg,” I started
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Before Christmas</i>, but it doesn’t bother me. </div>
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I had composed, stylized, and
lobsterized the table name cards. I made some demos on copy paper to show
Christa and gave her four fonts to choose from. After examining a few
iterations of bigger, taller, and not so fat but with quarter-inch borders all
around, except the bottom, she said: “The real ones will be prettier, right?”</div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh,
tread carefully, my love. Tell me again how hard you work at your “real” job,
as I, the wedding elf, toil year-round for your one day of glory. Being crafty
requires a focus only found by watching SportsCenter and reading the same job
postings as the day before.</i> I was strong and eventually had my
champagne-colored (aka Office Depot ivory resume paper) prototype. Now I needed
something red and sturdy to support it in a sawhorse form. This required a trip
to Michael’s</div>
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Michael’s offers everything tacky
in home decorating that you might get away with in very limited quantities. But
at the store, it is literally growing off the shelves, in an effort to attach
to you and transfer the crafties. Something like the cooties, crafties are
mostly imaginary, invisible entities that can be transmitted from a vile
subgroup of the human species or their possessions. Girls used to have cooties,
but you didn’t have to specifically touch a girl to get them. You could borrow
a girl’s pencil, and bam! You became the newest resident in Cootieville. In the
same vein, you can catch the crafties, not only from the craft practitioners,
but from their supplies as well. </div>
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I found some sturdy paper in red at
Michael’s and brought it home. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-77006867819901234342013-10-31T13:12:00.001-07:002013-10-31T13:12:14.732-07:00Music to Our Ears<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The next-best choice for favors
that made everyone else happy was personalized CDs. We were advised against
giving long written explanations of why each song was special to us and told to
limit self-promotion. All we had to do was agree upon about ten songs that represented
our relationship and the eternal memories everyone would have of it. Now that
the guests would have something to cherish forever, we had to make a lasting
impression instead of the cheap but forgettable thrill of a scratch-off ticket.
Needless to say, my CD collection wasn’t even looked at.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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The “Drew and Christa Eternal Love
Forever” (working title) CD had some given material. It needed to contain “our”
song. The rest of the CD would be determined by our reception and the general
afterglow we wanted to cast. We were also looking to spice it up with a little
comic relief. We wondered initially if our minister would be willing to open
with “Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today,” the wonderful
opening to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Princess Bride</i> wedding
between Buttercup and Prince Humperdinck—said in an Elmer Fudd-like voice. We
decided against adding it to the ceremony but figured it could be used to
introduce us at the reception. That got us thinking about having a comedic
interlude before each couple of the bridal party was introduced. We thought of
one from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Seinfeld</i>, where Jerry and
Elaine discuss the percentage of good-looking, datable people, and Jerry refers
to the Motor Vehicle Bureau as a leper colony to support his pessimistic view
of 4 to 6 percent of people being good looking. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sometimes it’s a little scary how prominent a role television plays in
our relationship.</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
In our case, Wal-Mart was not so far
from the Motor Vehicle Bureau. Praise God, we didn’t meet in the gardening
department, else we would have no excuse for avoiding The MG’s favors of the
earth.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Another classic sequence was Kramer
talking Jerry out of any marriage thoughts he might be having, summarizing
marriage and families as man-made prisons, where you talk about your day
instead of watching TV and have to ask permission to use the bathroom.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I was fortunate to find someone who
also felt that watching TV during dinner shouldn’t be interrupted by talking
about our days. It’s a matter of whether she decides to watch <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Extra</i> or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Friends</i> re-runs, during which I have the personal freedom to
relieve myself as needed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
There are probably some copyright
issues involved here, so for the record, the conversations on our planned CD
favor are not from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Seinfeld</i>, but from
two sock puppets I had on my hands.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
We also considered having sound
bites from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Muppet Show’s</i> old guys
in the balcony. Finding appropriate quotes from the old farts didn’t work out,
but we did consider entering the reception to the theme song from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Muppet Show</i>: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights.</i> You
know it. It takes you to a happy place. It felt like a good song to form a
train to and orchestrate a synchronized dance among the bridal party. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I feel a veto coming…</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">…and
there it is.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
My search also took me through
numerous movie sound-clip sites. It was hard to find exactly what I needed for
eternal memories—until I stumbled upon a site containing clips from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Looney Tunes</i>. This was a gold mine. I
often imitate Pepe Le Pew, when seeking affection from the cat. Kissing up his
front paw, while talking like a French skunk.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">M-wa, m-wa, m-wa, how are you, Darling? I seek your affection. Why do
you resist?”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
So why not take a couple lines of
amour from the grand romancer himself? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Pepe (speaking with actual accent
of a French skunk): “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ah, my little
darling, it is love at first sight, is it not? M-wa, m-wa, m-wa.” </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
If tried on your own, this accent
should be similar to the “cod” chef’s, described earlier, but not as deep and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sans</i> the touch of Jersey. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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Pepe: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack. I pierce you with the ack-ack of love, Flowerpot.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I don’t know what it is about using
flowerpot as a term of endearment, but it works. Pepe called her a flowerpot,
and it entertained us. Enough said. But in addition to that piece of
wonderment, he pierced her with the ack-ack of love, in the same sentence.
Fantastic. Let’s examine this for use in every day life. You need:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">A sound effect, preferably repeatable, but not
necessarily related to a weapon (Don’t burden yourself with spelling at
this time.)</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">An action verb, because you need to do this sound
effect onto or at your loved one</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">A household object, which can seemingly be chosen at
random but must, in some odd way, convey your attraction</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">A willingness to employ a bad French accent</li>
</ol>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Let’s try a couple.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Reader: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Puh-puh-puh. I bathe you in the puh-puh of love, Oven Mitt.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Puh” is the sound of the machine
used in your glaucoma exam, when it blows the small puff of air into your eye.
I don’t know why we consider this a funny sound; it just is. It should be made
almost under your breath. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Reader: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Choo-choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo. I flatten you with the
choo-choo of love, Shower Cap.”</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The aggressiveness of the noise can
be chosen to fit the mood. You can “puh” during a candlelit evening at home and
“choo” at a tailgate. It is such a simple formula for conveying affection,
without having to expose any real feelings. It should be adopted the world
over. Needless to say the Pepeisms made the final cut. And so did about ten
songs.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
That concludes the long, written
(and useless) explanation of everything but our music selections—just what we
were warned against. Sorry.<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-78220489579897460542013-10-30T11:39:00.001-07:002013-11-15T11:23:39.598-08:00IN THE WEDDING WORKSHOP - DON’T GAMBLE ON FAVORS<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Wedding favors were another small
thing that had to be dealt with, but there really weren’t any guidelines.
Anything that can be purchased, assembled, or pulled from the ground for less
than five dollars per head was a viable favor. This meant that there was really
no limit to the suggestions we received regarding favors. Given that they
really play a minor role, in the grand scheme of things, the ratio of value per
e-mailed or spoken suggestion was about the lowest possible, in this phase of
planning. The amount of time we spent on this particular item was far greater
than what should have been allocated. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I am sure we started with a list of
the one hundred hottest wedding favors from a bridal magazine. Our never-ending
pursuit of celebrity coolness led us to consider donuts, caramel apples,
scratch-off lottery tickets, and a couple others. I got price quotes on
large-scale donut production. I reviewed the Indiana Lottery instant-win game
webpage. PL, MG acted quickly on our suggestions, referencing her Master
Gardener title (in case we didn’t know).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
Hi Drew and Christa,<br />
Jan suggested a favor which might not be as quirky as you like, but is somewhat unique, <br />
inexpensive, seasonally appropriate and grows, so it has life and longevity like marriages. <br />
It is…a group of flower bulbs suitable for fall planting. They went to a September wedding a <br />
few years ago where every person's place had a white net square tied up with ribbon containing <br />
3 or 4 crocus bulbs. They are not messy, easy to take home unless you are leaving the country, <br />
grow in any temperature zone and live for a long time. I personally love this idea, but I am a <br />
Master Gardener, always helping others' grow, so who could say what others might think. <br />
Off hand I can only think Danza would love it as much. I am deciding the donut idea might not <br />
be the best, as I think the donuts would be stale by evening, having been made early in the day. <br />
<br />
Just another !IDEA! from your Mom. XO<br />
<pre style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></pre>
<div style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black; line-height: 200%;">Let me summarize the highlights of her idea and its presentation: </span></span></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2;">It might
not be what we are looking for, but it does have a gardening theme.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2;">She is
certain two guests (including herself) out of one hundred-plus would love
this; that’s slightly under 2 percent, for those keeping track at home.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2;">Donuts, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our</i> idea, is not a good one,
dismissed in one sentence.</li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Considering this e-mail, Christa
and I came to an agreement that lottery tickets would be fun. They provided
instant gratification, or at least momentary excitement, and around one in five
wins, so we would have a fair number of winners at the reception. We were able
to find a Magic Eight Ball scratch-off game for $2 a ticket. Christa likes to
keep a Magic Eight Ball in her office to address all the great quandaries her
coworkers have. Being formally educated in psychology enables her to safely and
accurately wield such prognostic power. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I went online to find some Magic
Eight Balls to answer all the questions that reception guests might have. Not
only did I find them, I found Magic <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Love</i>
Eight Balls. Yes, for all the love and romance our event would be inspiring. I
ordered one for each table. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
We told our parents about our
decision to have lottery tickets as favors. The MG was all over this one.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
Hi Drew and Christa,<br />
<br />
I am still thinking about favors!! I think that lottery tickets somehow don't fit in at all with the <br />
upscale elements of your formal wedding. In researching the bulb idea, I think I could buy 3 to <br />
5 bulbs per person for $100 to $150. Besides crocus bulbs you can buy scillia, which are a <br />
beautiful bright blue. Look online to see the choices, but they will have to be ordered soon. <br />
Danza said Will and Carly gave bags of jelly bellies in their wedding colors. The bags had a <br />
tag with their song printed on it. What about using the votives as favors? We probably have <br />
no other use for 120 votives. Or could you use a small frame or place card holder as a favor? <br />
I think I prefer the donut idea to lottery tickets. I know you want something unique, but… <br />
<br />
Talk to you soon. XO Mom<br />
<br />
P. S. Dad thinks a lottery ticket will make it seem like the marriage is a long shot, or it's in the <br />
dice as to whether it will last. I don't think you want to give that impression!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
And here are the highlights: </div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Our</i> new favor, lottery tickets, was
dismissed in one sentence. </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1;">She
provided additional follow-up on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">her</i>
preferred gardening favors. </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1;">She
offered other ideas as a diversion, to lighten the blow that…</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1;">The
previously reported <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">bad</i> donuts
are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">superior</i> to the lottery
tickets because they imply <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our
marriage is a long shot</i>; that is, go with the bulbs or get a divorce.</li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I e-mailed back, saying: “We are
not considering any form of plant life. So please shift away from that area of
ideas. And surely, a sole lottery ticket at each place setting won’t
instantaneously change everyone’s perception of our fine event from wedding to
tractor pull.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The Magic Love Eight Balls arrived,
and we took one for a test drive. The answers weren’t consistent with a
particular line of questioning, such as yes or no. So we had to rephrase our
questions and ask again, where we inevitably got a yes-or-no answer to our no
longer yes-or-no question. The MG said they sounded tacky. I’m paraphrasing at
this point; my sessions are costly.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Eventually Christa said we couldn’t
go through with the lottery tickets idea, because we had taken so much grief
for it. You can see the grief from my family in the sample e‑mails, and The MOB
wrote Christa often to make sure she wasn’t doing anything to upset The MG, such
as reject her favor ideas. This decision was made after we had done 80 percent
of the work to make this our favor idea. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Ultimately, all but two of the
Magic Love Balls were returned. We decided that we could keep a couple on the
bar to entertain guests waiting for cocktails. I decided to consult a Magic
Love Ball for help. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Is Christa annoyed with the
difficulty of pleasing everyone else with the favors?” I asked the great
oracle. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“As you wish! ♥” It replied. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Not exactly an answer there, Mr.
Ball. Christa is annoyed and should do what she wants with the favors.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Headache, ask later.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Five minutes passed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Christa is annoyed and should do
what she wants with the favors.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Maybe yes, maybe no.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Should we do what everyone else
wants, so at least they will be happy?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Don’t plan on it.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Are you the most worthless piece
of fortune-telling equipment ever produced?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Sorry, wasn’t listening.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Obviously not, you piece of crap.
Would you survive a fall from a second story window onto blacktop?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Sorry, honey!” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Don’t sass me you little bastard.
Do you sense my anger?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“♥ If you say so!” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“I have had enough of your lip.
Prepare to meet your maker.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Whatever you want! ♥” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Oh yeah. I want this. Any last
words?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“My sources say no!” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Pleasant travels, smart ass.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I learned violence towards
inanimate and “innocent” objects, in times of anger, is kind of fun. And that
being an unemotional, aloof smart ass isn’t as pleasant to others as I had
hoped. I am only too sorry that it is too late to thank the Love Ball for that
bit of life-changing insight. <br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3607799985646303683.post-40996679203045597672013-10-29T12:16:00.000-07:002013-10-29T12:16:11.029-07:00MAN GIFTING<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Everybody needed a gift for the
hard work they put into making the wedding come about. This included the best
man and groomsmen, who, relative to the bridesmaids, came out pretty well
considering that their preparation activities consisted of the following: </div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Not
scheduling another activity that day (which only really required about
forty-eight hours notice) </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">Going to
get measured for their tuxes (at most, ten minutes drive time and maybe
fifteen in the store) </li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">The
last-minute task of bringing some food and beverage to the pre-ceremony
(Chex Mix wasn’t that big of an out-of-pocket expense.)</li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Every few days, between mid-July
and about a week before the wedding, Christa and I had the same conversation
about these gifts. (My noncommittal answers are verbatim.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Do you know what you’re getting as
gifts for your guys?” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Most likely,” I replied.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Are you actually going to purchase
them soon?” she asked intently.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“They’re not going anywhere,” I
said, brushing off her concern.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Who’s not?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“The gifts, in case I think of
something better.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Why are you waiting for something
better? Just get them.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Detecting
annoyance. Go abstract.</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Shopping is an art.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
For her, this was, yet again, the
noncommittal hell of living with me. I thought my gifting was fairly
independent of her, and she should know that I always had the High Life backup
plan, ready at a moment’s notice. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
For those interested, this plan
consists of waiting until the last minute to buy a required gift. If your
original choice is no longer available, you simply replace the intended gift on
a per-dollar basis with 32-oz. bottles of Miller High Life (The Champagne of
Beers), rent an unmarked station wagon, set up a meeting in a dimly lit parking
lot, and make the exchange far from the judging eyes of your intended.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Why
couldn’t I invest some time surfing the Internet to compare prices? Need I reiterate
the time-value of money? </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“If I can delay the purchase and,
therefore, the transfer of cash, I can theoretically earn additional interest
on that money,” I added, since financial theory always calms her.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“What interest? Is it worth four
cents to annoy me to death?” she asked, hoping her annoyance would end soon.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“The longer you can delay a
decision, the more information you can gather, in order to assess the options
available to you,” I stated, as the annoyance continued.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Maybe <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i> should consider <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i>
options a little longer. A lifetime of annoyance or…” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
“Or a life of infinite joy with me.
Thank you for that clarification,” I interjected.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Some people may wish to know that I
purchased some man bags, courtesy of the always fashionable and neutral Army of
Switzerland, loaded with cigars, a prerelease of the Lobster CD (our wedding
favor) and Invisible Cards (waterproof, transparent playing cards), perfect for
playing in the presence of potentially spilled liquid (infer here 32-oz. Miller
High Life.)<br />
- Drew Lloyd<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/From-Will-You-Do-Survival/dp/1478397950/" target="_blank">From "Will You?" to "I Do.": A Groom's Tale of Survival</a> </div>
Drew Lloydhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16012823816842950175noreply@blogger.com0